From Obligation to Choice: Reframing Shoulds & Embracing Intentionality in Men's Work

Welcome back to the circle. This week, we're exploring how men can shift from living in shoulds and have tos to connecting with what they truly want and their desires. We'll reflect on the energy behind our actions, how to reframe obligation into conscious choice, and take it deeper by talking about sitting with discomfort, noticing impulses, and deciding from a place of intention. Tim, are you ready to go all in?

I am.

Great. So men's work isn't just about thinking differently. It's about noticing how patterns show up in our bodies and our daily lives. Whether it's the urge to fidget, the voice telling us what we should or shouldn't do, or the discomfort of just sitting still. These practices invite us to pause, reconnect with ourselves, and choose from a place of presence and freedom.

So this week, as you know, I facilitated the men's sharing circle and the men's embodiment circle where I played with these themes and explored them, with the participants. And for our audience, Tim got to actually participate this week. So, Tim, I wanna check-in with you. What was your experience like during these circles?

Well, it felt to me when you were, leading the circles that you were really talking about the difference between an I should do or I must do or I have to versus an I choose to. And so one of the things I noticed was just contemplating that. And, you know, there was an exercise you gave us where we added the because, right? So I should do this be you know, is because maybe someone told me I should or there's this cultural expectation that I should. You know, a lot of what men's work is, like, I should do this because this is what men do.

And then if you think, well, am I choosing to do that and what is my because? Because it was that part that really impacted me. Oh, because I want to be happier. I want to be more connected. I want to be more authentically myself.

When you connect with the reason, the because, the why to what you are choosing to do, it becomes, in my opinion, more powerful. So that was one of the the takeaways for me was, oh, if I'm choosing to do something, it's easier to choose that when I have a powerful why, a powerful because. Yeah. So even our morning practice that we've been doing morning pages and I added a different component to it this morning, I I got clear about my because because of these circles in this practice. So, Oh, this is why I'm doing it.

So now it makes me want to do it a little bit more even though there will still be moments when I would rather just sit and have coffee and like the because fueled me into into action that I am grateful I took.

Yeah. When I first did this practice before I brought it into, circle was I was really struggling with, these, like, overwhelming feelings of obligation and duty. Like the the feeling of of being committed to something, the the feeling of being obligated to something or someone was really starting to chip away at like my autonomy and my freedom. And I started to feel like I didn't have choices anymore. And so it really like you know I I did this practice about a year ago and like at that point I was just feeling in a really like like prickly place where I was like I had all these things that I was like telling myself that I had to do that I should do that I felt obligated to do.

And I was really, like through this practice, really starting to help myself reframe and discover and explore what's the underlying motivation for why I'm doing something. And if I wasn't able to, really find what my because was, I cut it out of my life. Or I tried to anyway. Because if my true motivation was like money or or something like that, then, like, I can find other ways to do money or to find money in this world. It doesn't have to be something that I feel super obligated to.

Yeah. If I if I can find something that I can reframe with a I choose to because it brings me happiness and also money, right? That's a win. But if I'm feeling that it's like, oh, this is just an obligation, like that to me is a red flag.

Well, this is why I feel like that idea of, does it spark joy Mhmm.

I'm

realizing now is actually a really powerful question. Mhmm. Because that's because or why enough. Oh, this makes me really happy. Okay.

That's enough. We we have we are guaranteed one life, so things that make you happy are reason enough to include them. So it's a powerful question. But but also in the in the doing of these two circles, another thing that I came to understand or had reminded that that I thought was really powerful was the nature of our cultural conditioned shoulds.

Mhmm.

So as I listened to the men sharing, I heard a lot of like, well, I should be successful, do more work, you know, be really efficient, be super organized, be very proficient. Like, the the shoulds that were so common were also very shared, right? And I think I even mentioned in one of my reflections in the circle, I wasn't hearing any I should take a break. I should, you know, focus on my self care. I should we had when we think about shoulds, just like anything, nothing's all good or all bad, right?

But it's kind of spoken about in this time as all bad, I think partially because we focus on those things, right? Like, I should allow myself some time to recuperate, to rest, to be quiet, to be still, you know. But we don't those aren't the shoulds we're talking about. The shoulds are work harder, do more, be better, look better, you know, excel, you know, achieve. And and and that I realized was prevalent among all these men.

I think men are burdened by a very specific kind of should, which I think men's work is trying to address.

Yeah. I mean, the the practice came from Marshall Rosenberg's nonviolent communication and in that he talks about the that should is one of the most violent words that we can use against ourselves and others because it can remove choice. It can remove autonomy. And humans are not meant to be slaves. Right?

So, like, that's that's what he says in in the book. And so I think that when we do hear these shoulds it's that we like we think that there's no other choice. We don't think that there's another option. And even when you're saying like I should model a, healthy relationship with rest for myself and for others, my my immediate like, subconscious like, if I were to finish that sentence is but. I should rest more but.

Right? There's automatically in my brain, in my programming Mhmm. Something that's telling me, like, already that there's there's a right and a wrong here.

Mhmm.

Right. Right. And that I don't have a choice. I have I have, like, okay, like, I should rest, but I have these other things that I should be doing.

Sure. I I hear that. I hear that. And I I suspect a lot of people can relate to that and have that experience. There's a part of me that also feels like language is, meant and has a purpose.

So, I don't think a concept like should is, like, entirely bad. Mhmm. And I think it's as everything is and what what we talk about, if we bring consciousness to it, if I'm if I am consciously shoulding or looking for or asking for shoulds in a conscious way. Oh, I go to a mentor. I have these three options in front of me, teacher, that I know well and trust.

Which should I do, you know, in your opinion? I do not think that is, you know, I understand linguistically why I'm like, I don't have to try to eliminate that word from my vocabulary. I have to try to eliminate the consciousness of, mindless obligation

Yes.

And, and bring in, a lot of choice and awareness. So, I still want to use the word should if I choose to.

Absolutely. Right. It's the impact of language on our self awareness. Like, that language helps us to give Right. Meaning to our experience.

Right? And it's like, it I think that's the beautiful part of it. It's like, again, it's it it there isn't a moralistic judgment here with this word. Like, use it, but can you use it consciously?

Do you think that I should reconsider my choice to use the word should? That's a I'm just joking.

I think I I think that you are welcome to explore that.

Oh, okay. Right? I choose to. Yeah. I I I'm choosing to explore.

Right. And it's a pretty powerful practice. Anything that can I think anything that can give us a moment of pause to think a little bit? It's so funny. My therapist last week was literally because I I just got laid off from my job y'all.

So, like, my my default programming is to, like, go right into what's next. Like, go into immediate problem solving. Like, I have to find out what's next for me because of programming. What should I do next? Yeah.

Right? And the prompt was like, can you just pause? Can you sit? Like, when an impulse comes up. And this was a lot of the inspiration for the circles.

Was like, when an impulse comes up, can I sit with it for just a couple minutes? And really think on it. Yeah. You know, and just like listen. Listen to what my thoughts are telling me, what my body is telling me, what the universe is telling me, what, like, what anyone is telling me.

Can I just pause and listen for a few minutes? And so, I think that's the the power of a practice like this is it's like it's not it's not a recommendation to completely eliminate have to must should duty, obligation. I think that's just noticing.

Well, we talked about the the Kabbalistic, teaching of restriction. I'm pretty certain I

think so, but remind us.

It's that well, it's the same idea. Well, injecting conscious pause before falling into, habit or grasping at something because you

Or like somebody offers you something.

Yeah. Yeah. And you have the and they they use the image of the light bulb, I think, you know, in the filament. The filament keeping those two poles separated is why the light bulb burns. Mhmm.

The two poles come together, it gets super bright but then it burns out. Right? That that restriction is like the thing that is necessary for it to continue. Right? So it's all about, and by the way, I'm not an expert in Kabbalah, but, my understanding of it is that it's about bringing that conscious pause.

And I really can't think of too many examples from my own life when I have brought a conscious pause and then regretted it. Because that conscious pause can be five seconds, ten seconds if it needs to. But, oh, before I fall into I want to yell at you or I want to withdraw from you or I want to make like a wild choice or a big impactful choice, I decide to pause. I can't I can't think of one example of when I've been like, oh, I wish I hadn't paused. I wish I'd been really impulsive.

Right. Right. Exactly. But I can I can I can I can come up with at least a dozen times that I regretted an impulse? Right?

Like, so often that I'm like, why? Why did I act? Why did I speak? Why did I do? Like, that thing.

Well, this is Yeah. The teaching of Kabbalah, which is like, short term pleasure, long term discomfort, short term discomfort, which would be that pause, because especially when it's a good thing. To be like, oh, I really want that thing, and you still bring the pause, long term fulfillment. And yeah, it's like the impulse is so easily regrettable because it's fast and more than fast, it's unconscious. The pause means I had enough awareness to know I needed to stop and think about this even for a second.

So think about all the choices in our lives we made without thinking and then you're like, oh, so if I thought about it even for a second, that's better than none at all.

Absolutely. I mean, on the topic of discomfort moving into embodiment circle

Yeah.

Like, I brought in a very long seated practice That's right. With the specific intention of being like, hey, y'all, You're about to get uncomfortable. You're about to actually sit in discomfort. And so, like, during that practice, like, you know, I was sitting too, so I was starting to get uncomfortable. And the the prompt was like, it's okay to to notice discomfort, but can you catch yourself before the impulse to react to that discomfort takes over?

Right? So the simple example is, like, oh, my nose itches. Not even thinking about it

For our listeners, he quickly swatted his nose.

And they might have just heard it on

the mic. Yeah. Yeah.

Or like, oh, my, knee is starting to, you know, get a little, you know, uncomfortable. I'm starting to get a little sensitive. Like, it's okay. I'm not telling or I wasn't instructing anyone, like, don't move. Like, sit there in your discomfort.

Right? Like, I can be a sadist, but, like, I'm not bringing in my sadism into the circle. Right? Like, that's just not what I'm doing. Right?

Different different episode. Different episode.

Yeah. But, like, I

Which is coming, I think.

But I gave I gave full permission and, like, instruction of, like, I want you to move. I want you to tend to yourself if you can consciously choose to do it. Right? Like, just like, all the only ask that I had was, like, can you bring a little bit of attention and awareness to that?

So not specific to your practice, but, piggybacking on that because it's so frequent in so many of my teachers' practices, this idea of like slow, mindful transitions. Because I think part of it isn't, do I want to move? Am I uncomfortable? I think that's sort of the easy part, to be like, Oh, I'm either uncomfortable or I'm not and I want to move or I don't. But then when you get to the point when you're like, Well, I'm on the precipice of like I need to move because I'm so uncomfortable.

In that moment, what I have observed happened so frequently is like, oh, that's the moment when we can fall so quickly into our old habits, which is like, I just want to make this feel better and now I'm going to like completely fall out of my practice, completely lose my connection to the present moment and just sort of satisfy this thing, scratch the itch, do what I, you know. And so so many of my teachers will, speak about like if you have to move. If you're in meditation and, you know, you feel a droplet of sweat or a fly lands on you, and it's very distracting, you don't have to suffer through it. But don't allow yourself to fall into, like, oh, well, that reaction should happen. And and, you know, and we live in a world where we tend to be so fast.

We we tend to run so quickly to pleasure or or to the cessation of pain, that we will kind of abandon everything else in pursuit of it. And I think the teachings are saying, well, you can do that, but, you know, how do you do it? And so that's why this idea of, like, moving slowly and mindfully, I don't think slow isn't necessarily, like better than fast, but I think slow allows a person who's building their conscious muscle to engage their conscious muscle. So I'm assuming then there might be enlightened beings who are like, I can swat the fly as quickly as I want. You're like, oh, because you've you've been doing this for a long time.

But if you're a beginner, move slowly so you can be as mindful about it as possible.

Right. I think about that with with any physical practice that I do. My my impulse is to, like, do the movement, like, fast and big. This is group fitness classes, why they're a struggle for me. So, like, Helltown Fitness, I was taking a class with with coach Tim over here the other day and, like, I I am

a co founder of a boutique fitness studio here in in Provincetown called Helltown Fitness, based around kettlebells.

And they're they're really great, really dynamic, you know

Excellently programmed, excellently coached.

And so but what I find is that they are new movements to me. Like, I I did not have kettlebell experience before these classes and, like, I look around, I see you, I see other people, I see people, like, really, like, going big with their movements, going fast with their movements, and I've tried that before and it doesn't work for me because I don't the body, my body doesn't understand the those mechanics and so I have to slow it way down. And so sometimes I have to like, you know, sacrifice a little bit of like time. Like if we've got thirty forty five seconds in an exercise like, I may only be able to get through a handful of them because I really have to slow my body down and let that that the mechanics really sit in before maybe the next round I can now get four or five in. So when you talk about, like, you know, they're, like, moving slowly and mindfully.

Right? Like, at first, yeah, that's that's kind of the invitation. And then over time, once you build up that that that familiarity, like, yeah, and you it might you might be able to move a little bit quicker. But the challenge always is, like, can you recognize if you've just gone into habit routine? Right?

Rather than being a little bit more mindful or conscious of it. So, like, when you talk about, like, transitioning transitioning from, like, either a posture to another. I remember one circle you led that I thought was really really brilliant where we did

Well, they were all brilliant.

Yeah. I mean That's true. Thank you. Thank you. Where it was it was all about like, linking breath to movement and and trying to be as smooth between poses or postures as possible and noticing the moment of shift.

So if we were doing, like, a down dog to a plank, right, like, could we make that a smooth movement and notice the moment that we, like, shifted back and kind of that that, like, microsecond of transition into the next one. And instead of, like, rushing through it, just really, like, taking time to to notice. And I, like, I still take that practice with me almost daily.

I mean, I think it's one of the primary teachings I received from the yoga asana practice, this idea of like mindfully consciously linking things together. It's why Vinyasa is such a profound mindfulness practice. And I I think I've said this before but I I will tell people, I'm like, be the melody, not the collection of notes that are adjacent to each other. That to me is, like, what the strict Vinyasa practice is aiming to do. And and so it it is to get back onto our topic, like, this idea, like, it is choosing to engage in a particular way.

It's choosing to pay attention in a particular way. And that that ability is something that we can cultivate. It's also something that we need to practice and build just like anything else. You want you want stronger biceps, you go to the gym and you start lifting progressively heavier and heavier weights over a period of time. Same is true with yoga asana and consciousness practice.

You know, when I first started yoga asana, let's take Warrior two for an example, I was maybe thinking about like one or two things, like my my knees stacked over my ankle and my shoulders stacked over my hips. Right? But through now, decades of practice, I can think about my knee and my back leg and my ankles and my pelvis and my shoulders and my pubic bone and my head and my gaze and my breath and my intention that came through this sort of progressive, like, practice of building that. And so, you know, that's really what we're talking about.

Yeah. Understanding the mechanics of the body and, like, you know, that gradual awareness of of it. Yeah. And to be able to then see or and experience the full melody. Right?

At first, you like, for me, right, and then it sounds like you, like, you one to two notes, right, at at a time. Right? Learning one to two notes and then, like, with the the over time practicing, you start to hear the melody.

Well, I think so this is the when we think about, choosing versus shoulding. Right? We also have to understand our capacity. We talked about this like with our edges, you know. So, I can't just choose to be a master at a thing, right?

I can choose to engage in a process that will take me step by step towards that thing. So I think there's a power in the awareness of that too. So you're living your life, you're listening to this podcast, you're like, oh, I should a lot or I must do a lot or I have to a lot, I feel these things in my life a lot and now I wanna I wanna shift it to I choose to. Well, chances are you're not gonna be able to choose to do everything in your life perfectly starting right now. I wish you could.

I wish I could. I wish there was a light switch and we could just flip it and just be like everything changes. So when we talk about like this work and how we bring it in, well then maybe we need to start, you know, reasonably and small. So maybe I'm going to choose to pay more attention to an aspect of my life or one part of my engagement. Mhmm.

And I can start to build my muscle in there. And so, you know, if you're wondering, I would suggest, especially if you are listening in in a challenging moment, maybe start with the area of your life that needs your the most attention, right? But practice there and then in time you're like, Oh, well now I can choose to pay attention to my kids and my primary relationship and my job and my friendships and my hobby and my self care, but you might not be able to start there.

Right. It's, you know, like, I fall into the tendency where I try to take big bites. I mean, I think I said this before. Like, even, like, even, like, physically with food. Right?

Like, I'm a like, I take big bites. And so that's that's my life. That's everything. I'm a, like, an an all in type of person. I go big.

And what that ends up doing is it can overwhelm me very quickly. And so part of my practice is like pausing and taking it bit by bit.

I was watching Instagram and there was this video. It was a funny video of this girl who was like, I'm gonna make sandwiches until I find a boyfriend. She made this gigantic sandwich, but she made it with a, like, a steak. And I thought since you're talking about big bites, I was like, that that sandwich looks delicious if I had, like, a fork and a knife. I'm like, I don't know that I could I don't know that I could bite through that steak.

Mhmm.

Do you

think you could bite through a steak?

I definitely would try. Like, if if somebody served me a sandwich, like, big, fluffy brioche bun Yeah. Plus steak

Onions and, like plus everything. Sauce.

And it was just this giant I would give it my all.

Okay. Well, I I respect and appreciate that. Yeah. I I wonder how successful you would be. I wonder how successful I would be.

I wonder if I would look like a puppy with, like, a leather slipper in my mouth.

I think I would look like Paris Hilton doing the the the Carl Junior's ad. You know Or was it Paris Hilton who had, like, the giant burger? She was, like, on the car.

I have literally no idea what you're referring to, but I could tell you this when I describe you, I describe you as Paris Hilton. Like like, who's Eric? I'm like, oh, you know, my friend who looks like Paris Hilton.

The stars are blind.

Yeah. He sits on the car car hood with a burger is what I say. And people are like, oh. That one. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy how, like, effective that is.

Alright. So on that, I do look like

I just got a ping.

Like, these we're starting to talk a little bit about desires. Right? Like, I'm now desiring

A burger?

A burger or a big old, like, juicy steak, you know, sandwich.

Okay.

And so I I do wanna explore a little bit the the linkage here between, like, you know, the impulses and bringing an awareness and then maybe, like, starting to identify the desires. It's that that evolution of, like, have to, should to, must to, like, I choose to because. Right? That because kind of can be that the underlying desire Mhmm. And motivation.

And so, you know, I think as queer as a queer man, right, I was told a lot of, like, what I shouldn't do. I shouldn't like other guys. Right? And I think that what that did was it, like, it, like, really stifled my desire for a long time And, like, started to build a lot of, like, shame in my life, my sex life. And, you know, the way that I, you know, was expressing myself, you know, was built up with a lot of shame because I was told I shouldn't.

Mhmm.

Right? And, like, it's been a long exercise. I was, like, really starting to explore what is it that I actually want. You know, not just, like, in my, like, professional life and my interpersonal, but, like, in my my my sexual life. Right?

Like, what is it that I want? What is it that I'm desiring? And, like, that's been, like, years of, like, unpacking. Right? All the things that, like, I was told I shouldn't do.

Yeah. I mean, I think as a as a queer person well, I mean, you're kind of blowing my mind right now with this idea of, like, thinking about what I'm choosing. I think for a long time, I had this feeling of I should take what I can get because it's you know, I shouldn't be doing it in the first place. So, like, kind of grabbing what you can, and it feels like this idea of choice and asking, like, what what would I choose if I could, is a whole new way of thinking about it.

And just taking that moment. Right? Like, I've, like, I've I've sat and, like, really tried to, like, like, unpack some of the things that I, like, I rarely actually want. Right? Like, if I mean, do I have to take it to the sexual realm?

Just, like, thinking of, like, professionally. Like, what is it that I want to do now that I have an opportunity to have, like, the the space to explore without a job right now? Like, what is it that I want to do? And I'm in a privileged position right now where, like, I'm gonna have a little bit of space to explore that and I don't have to, like, jump right to the next. And so, like, you know, I I mean, I'm gonna continue doing this exercise.

I'm gonna do my own table and really try to figure out, like, you know, what is what's underneath? What what is gonna bring joy for me? And then, you know, just continuing to bring that to more aspects of my life.

Yeah. I think there's power in allowing yourself the opportunity to even say, I don't know if I like that. Mhmm. I don't know if I want that, but I know I probably need to try it on some level to get a sense of it and then allowing yourself that. Right?

To be like, oh, I'm gonna try a thing and, like, maybe I'm gonna like it, maybe I'm not. And I and then, like, not having any shame around it. I think, I think maybe I've told you this story, but I I had a friend, an acquaintance in New York City when I was living there who, wanted to be humiliated. Mhmm. It was like part part of his sort of fantasy and what he enjoyed.

And I was like, I can I can try it? I'm like, I've never I've never done that. And so I I tried it. I'm only laughing because it's you know, I tried it and I realized in that we were on like a it was a phone call actually. We weren't doing anything in person in that moment.

I I was like, oh, I'm way too nurturing for for this. I'm like, I'm just like I'm just like not the right person. And so then, you know, we kind of completed that experience and I spoke to him a few days later, and spoke my truth about that. But I'm like but I look back on him like, Well, I'm really glad I tried. Because, it was still a very sweet, consensual sort of, exploratory moment.

I think he was probably pretty aware of the fact that this wasn't like my wheelhouse either, you know? He he didn't say that, but, like, I think it was pretty obvious. But, but I'm like I pat myself on the back for, like, trying. How many people have, like, had an entire life that included, like, a sexual intimate component and have never tried something that that, that wasn't, like, expected or or typical. Right?

Right. And that like this going back, it's so much is said because you should or shouldn't do something. Yeah. Right? It creates taboo.

Right? It creates and it's like, do you will you give yourself permission to explore that, to try it? Right? And can you create an environment where that's something that you can consciously do? Like in this the scene that you were, you know, participating in.

Right? Like, consciously going in and be like, well, we're gonna try. Let's see what happens.

We're gonna see what happens.

Do I like it? Do I not like it? Right? And like and like, I'm just like being aware of that. And sometimes I think too, like, in gay culture specifically, I think I've gotten the messaging of, like, I should, like, enjoy something.

I should enjoy going to a sex party. I should enjoy going to the club and cruising. I should like, to be a a good gay man, like, this is what I should do. I should be in an open relationship. I should do all these things.

And, like like, that's not me. Mhmm. Right? Like and I've struggled with it for years.

Well, there's because there's also silent shoulds.

Mhmm.

Right? That I'm making this up now, but this idea I feel like I felt this pressure of, well, I look around me and this is what everyone else is doing. So someone doesn't need to walk up to me necessarily and say, oh, you should want to come to the club with me Mhmm. And, like, do the drugs and dance all night or or whatever the whatever the agenda is, for me to get the messaging that, like, oh, there is the silent should that, you know, we have to kind of hold and metabolize.

Yeah. I I love that. It's like the silent should of expecting Is

it the is it the

Should? Yes.

I'm sorry. I just cut you off, please.

That, like, it it's it's these, like, societal expectations that you don't need somebody to specifically call it out. But you feel the you can feel the pressure. I mean, this is peer pressure. This is group pressure. And, like, that doesn't have to come with a, like, you've gotta, like, jump off this bridge with me.

It can really come from just, like, seeing other people in this type of behavior. And if you're anything like me who's, like, I'm trying to figure myself out anyway. Like, I have to look at other people. And if, like, the other people that are like me or I think are like me are doing this specific thing, then I but I don't think that I should be doing that. I start to go inward real quick and I start to, like, self criticize myself where I'm like, oh, like, I'm not doing that.

Like, am I broken?

What's wrong with me?

What's wrong with me? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Right? Like, I don't have that desire to have sex at a bar. Right? I don't have a desire to have public sex. I don't even know that I've had an impulse to do that.

I've had these pressures that I've experienced not something that somebody has put on me that I know of and they're aware of. I also blacked out at a lot of bars. I don't know. But, like, I can from what I can remember, like, I don't think that it was, like, explicitly put on me, but I had a lot of, like, internal dialogue

Mhmm.

Of being, like, oh, I'm going out tonight. Like, I should go to that club and I should

Well, I mean, I think a lot of people are having these shoulds because I've heard people talk about their night the next day, sometime during the next day. And they it is sort of judged based on like what they were able to accomplish based on a should. Mhmm. Because the, the ideas or at least in the town we live or in the experience I've been having recently, oh, you should go out, you should have a super fun time, you should probably get a lot of attention, and you should, like, have sex. Mhmm.

And so I've watched people, like, be like, well, how was your night? And I'm like, and then and it was, only because you're like, oh, you didn't end up having sex for any number of reasons. That should was so powerful. It was able to change the rest of your night even though you might have had a great time dancing. Right?

Or or whatever the thing was you were, you know, doing. So I I think there's a real power in that, and I and, like, I think a lot of us feel that pressure.

Yeah. Like, why am I going out? Right? Like and I don't think there's the this is, again, this is I think we've talked about this a couple times. This is not like bar shaming or anything like that.

Like, it's just the invitation of, like, can you move it from I should go out, I should try to go, like, you know, hook up with somebody to, like, that's actually what I want. That's truly what you want and that's what you're desiring and that's how you want to accomplish it. Go for it. Mhmm. Like, live your truth.

Fulfill your authenticity. Yeah. That's just not my truth right now. Not saying that it won't be, like, anytime. Like, I'm not like, it's not a hard no and there's not a judgment behind it.

It really is. It's coming from a place of self compassion for myself because of how much emotional strife I've gone through, putting that expectation on myself and thinking that I'm a bad gay. Mhmm. Right? Like, I'm a bad gay because I don't want to do that.

That's not a desire of mine.

Mhmm. Yeah. I think the the idea that people would do it if they really chose to do it. I think there there could be an entire episode about like how do we understand what it is we genuinely want and how do we pursue that want. I mean, so much of the coaching training that I've done and some of this work is really understanding like, well, what do you want?

What a simple question. What do you want? But the answer isn't simple. So I mean, obviously you're listening or you're watching and you can say like, oh, I want money. I want good health.

I want great sex. I want, you know, blah blah blah. I'm like, yeah, but but if we if you keep going, you keep going like, well, what do you really want? What do you really want? So, I agree with you.

If what you really want is that experience, then you should absolutely have it. But I do think that and one of the reasons we're doing this podcast is because I think our world and our community, we need to be reminded of the value of that process, the process of trying to uncover, well, what is it I want and why do I want it? What do I want and why do I want it? And if I'm clear about those things and then I still want it,

go. Go

for it. But it's, you know, it's been part of my fitness journey. A lot of people want a beautiful body and that can mean so many different things, right? But whatever your conception of a beautiful body is for you, you might want it. Why?

Mhmm. Do you want it because you want other people to find you desirable? Because you want to look good in clothes, because, you know, there can be any number of reasons, but, like, get clear about the why. And for me and it can be a combo why. Like, of course, I want people to think I'm sexy.

I want people to desire me. But I mainly want to feel strong and to be able to move in ways that are important to me. You know, when we do our affirmations, I think if I were to go back there's just a few things I've done every time on my affirmations list and one of them is like my yoga practice and like specifically my yoga asana practice. I get so much, value out of it. So I want my body to be strong because I wanna be able to engage in this practice that helps me so much.

Right? To me, that feels like a powerful why. If if my why was, I wanna do this so that some stranger I haven't met yet might wanna have sex with me, It's just a very different why. And I think there's I think there's power in understanding, the differences in our whys and the ones that can actually motivate us.

Absolutely. And, like, if, regardless of the why, right, like, just choose own it. Like, we talked about authentic power a couple of episodes ago. Right? Like, just own it.

Own your authentic power. And that's like, it's super hot. It's confidence boosting. Right? Like like, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Yeah. Totally. As long as it's within like, you know, like I have

a training client right now who came to me. I want a bigger butt. Great. And there's there's no like, I want a bigger butt because I think people are gonna like me with a bigger butt and I'm gonna feel better and sexier with a bigger butt. Great.

So we do a lot of butt stuff.

Mhmm.

Like, you know, lots of hip extension and gluteal activation. I see that look in your face. We do a lot of appropriate biomechanic movements to activate the posterior chain. Talk fitness to me.

Yeah. Yeah. And, fitness to me. Yeah. Yeah.

And,

Talking at it.

But, like, but there's something really great about this is a very confident person who's, like, very clear about their why. They're, like, what do they want and why do they want it? And there's some as you just said, like, a real confidence in that. Great. Cool.

I can get on board. Let's go.

Let's fucking do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go.

It's when it's like, oh, I'm like, not so clear that you're like, oh, it becomes a little bit less trustable, or a little bit harder to understand. Yeah.

Yeah. RuPaul had a show very briefly. I think it was called Good Work, where it was about, folks

Work with a queue or an r ERK?

I think it was so the the premise of the show was that it was people that really wanted plastic surgery. Oh. Or some sort of, like, cosmetic procedure done. Yeah. And so, you know, RuPaul has the famous things like, if you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?

And so, like, for this specific show, he said, like, if you can't love yourself, maybe go get some good work. Right? And it was like but it was the conscious choice. And, like, during the conversations he was having with people, it was like, truly, is this what you want? Right?

Because we see examples of, like, extreme plastic surgery. And some people, right, like, truly, that's how they want to look. That is a desire. And it's like, it's just kind of like starting to remove the shame because, like, we start to, like, put on this, like, this judgment. Like, when I see somebody, I'm like, oh, like, you should just love yourself more.

Like, why do you have to get all this work done? Right? Somebody might just want it. They've gone through the exercise. They've gone through the practice and they're like, this is how I want to look.

Yeah. And they do it and they go for it. And I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna celebrate you now. Right?

Because there's so much confidence and and beauty in that that, like, you're not you're not acting from a place of impulse. You're acting from a place of, like, true desire. And, like, you know, anyone that's done that work, anyone that has done that processing, I applaud you.

Yeah. I think I think if it's a conscious choice, do it. I'm thinking now as you're telling that story about what I would do. And, you know, I've had a lot of surgeries, so I'm reluctant to do, you know, non mandatory or, you know, elective procedures. But if I had a magic wand, I'd be like, oh, like, I would I would definitely see, like, well, what what would it look like if my chest were bigger or my shoulders were bigger or my arms are bigger?

For the listeners and viewers, like, if you if you wanna get anywhere with me, just a compliment. Tell me that I have big chest, shoulders, or arms. Yeah. I'm like

Rolls on his back like a puppy.

Yeah. I will I will clean your bathroom if you tell me that I don't know why I value it so much. But, it just makes me feel really good. But so I I think, like, yeah, I probably would like I would do it if I didn't have that like, oh, like I, you know, no unnecessary surgery for me, but, yeah, I wonder how far I would go. And I think as I'm thinking about it now, the metric would be about, like, how it made me feel and what I was choosing.

Correct. As long as I was doing it for me to be like, oh, like, I feel good with this size pec, shoulder, or arm. Yeah. Well then, get it.

Right. And again, the the the thought process here is, like, going through, assessing, right, and starting to pick apart. Okay. Like, why am I telling myself that I have to have a bigger chest? Right?

Is it, somebody has told me that, you know, I have a a really weak and small chest. And so, like, I I'm telling myself now that I need this bigger chest. K. Like, I'm sitting with that. Right now, I'm gonna pull that apart.

I'm gonna say, like, okay. Like, you know, I can work with that. I can work with that that that drum that trauma or that bullying that happened at some point. Okay. Like, that's I've worked through that, but I still have a desire.

Right? Like, I'm and I'm doing the work. I'm putting through the the the the reps of, like, really sitting with this. Mhmm. And, like, then acting.

Because I also, like, you know, just being mindful that I'm, like, not saying, like, wanting to advocate for, like, go do whatever you want. Right? Like, it's still, like, the the invitation of, like

Mindful conscious choices. Yeah. Yeah. Well, so let's bring it back to men's work then. So, one of the benefits of men's work, whether we're doing embodiment, like movement, posture, breath, visualization, sound, attention, inquiry, questions, journaling, any of these things.

It's to help us get, a wider view of ourselves and start to really look at, how we are engaging and then start to shine the light on like, well why did I do that? Did I want to do that? You know, my my yoga teachers talk about this idea of like, getting to the root cause. So they said like the practices of yoga are like radical. You get to the root.

So you don't just put a band aid on a cut. You ask yourself, well, what was I doing to when I cut myself? Like, you know, what was happening in that moment when I got cut? And like, was it I got distracted like a, you know, a bell rang or I wasn't paying attention or even whatever, you know, whatever the thing was. And so that that was the example of like so getting to the root.

So the practices of men's work allow us to start to recognize these sort of root causes, these root habits, patterns in our lives. And then the more we can recognize them, the more we can start to decide, is that serving me? Am I so and this is where we're like so once I recognize, oh, there's this behavior that exists in me or in my life or in my in my habits, have I chosen it? Was it chosen for me? Was it was it shoulded on me?

Was it have toed on me or must toed on me? Because, you know, and, and what do I want to do now? And what do I want to do now and why do I want to do that? Right? I know that can sound like a lot of work, but the alternative is continue sort of unconsciously doing what you're doing and then just sort of like bumping into all the obstacles as they inevitably.

Right. And succumbing to all the impulses, all the reactions. Right? Like, just, like, becoming that walking reaction. One of my favorite things that you say during practice.

I mean, I love all the things that you say.

Thank you. So you were learning. Yeah.

Yeah. Especially after you've done a pump and you've got this massive chest just

Oh, yeah. I'm in the front of the room with, like, giant shoulders and arms. Yeah. Thank you. This is a great podcast episode.

Sorry. Continue.

Is sometimes when we're, like, really deep into practice, like, the, prompt of, like, who gave this to you? Right? Like, something that may have just bubbled up. Right? Or something that you're telling yourself.

Like, who gave that to you? Right? And just kind of like letting it, like, sit and then and then having that conscious sense of like, do I wanna continue to carry this? Right? If I've been carrying around this shame, this burden that either society or my family or somebody, like, gave to me as I was I was growing up, like, I got the choice now.

Do I wanna keep carrying it with me or do I wanna drop it? Do I wanna keep running from it or do I want to, like, pause, turn around, look at it and say, no more. You've served your purpose. I'm drawing a line in the sand. Mhmm.

I'm putting you right there. And now I'm moving forward.

Yeah. I just had an experience that brought something up for me. Part of it happened today, actually, where I looked back on my family, and I I I was given this message, the sort of, like, play, like, play it safe versus taking risks. Right? And, I was in a moment today where I was taking a risk and I could feel it bubbling up, this like, oh, I like this impulse of I should play it safe because that's like this old message that I received.

And I realized I'm like, oh, this feels like my mom talking to me. And like not beating up on my mom. I love my mom and my mom was doing the best she could and she wanted to protect me. And if I were, you know, a parent, I would probably want and go to great lengths to keep my child safe. Right?

But then I now I'm like, okay, but what do I choose? And so many times in my life, I've had to choose taking a risk, and it's scary and there's no guarantee. But it helps when you're like, oh, but this deep impulse to play it safe, it isn't it isn't entirely mine. It's it was handed to me, and what am I gonna do now? What do I choose to do now?

And that choice can still be really scary. And believe me, the example I'm talking about today, it was. It was. It didn't that awareness didn't make the choice less scary. It just allowed me to say, like, when I when I'm on my deathbed, doing a look back and think I was a person willing to take risks and put stakes in the ground and swing big in moments, you know, or that I always played safe because I was ultimately afraid.

I mean, playing it safe is not always bad. You should wear bike helmets and seat belts and

I am a big advocate of bike helmets.

Yeah. There's like there's so many things that are like I'm not saying don't play it safe, but I'm saying when we think about, like, choices, sometimes, oh, I'm gonna I'm gonna bet on myself. I'm gonna move to New York and try to be a professional dancer when almost everyone in my life was telling me that I shouldn't. And I'm glad I didn't.

Absolutely.

Yeah. So consciousness around that.

Yeah. No. Thank you for sharing. I think, like, just opening up to the possibility of what could be by simply asking and taking the pause, to, like, ask yourself, am I playing it safe right now? And like you said, sometimes safety is the way to go.

Other times, it's like, yeah, I have an opportunity right now to swing big. So let's go. Right? And that's that's really exciting, you know, and can be thrilling. And that's really where, like, we're we're at the edge.

We're at discomfort, but, like, you know, life begins at our edge sometimes.

Mhmm.

So Yeah. Just wanna take a quick tangent on bike helmets and then wrap up. So you were I

don't know. I don't feel comfortable because you know I don't wear one at

the time. Yeah. Well, so I this is about me.

I mean, this is not a preachy moment. I should wear

a bike helmet. Don't judge me. This is a

me thing. You

have a bike helmet. I have a bike helmet. I love my bike helmet.

Right. Bike helmet.

Bike helmet. It is, it has a rainbow glittery rainbow on it and I love it so much. I have gotten so much, like like, I've been made fun of for it. I keep doing like nice bike helmet. And I'm like, you know what?

I have done a lot of like like internal scanning, external scanning of myself. The sexiest thing on me is my brain. And I'm gonna protect it. And so, now I make conscious choices to protect it. And like, I could succumb to this this silent shoulding that if like everyone else is not wearing a helmet.

Oh, am I weird because I am wearing a helmet? No. I know my truth. I know my decision and I know, like, the the confidence. And so, like, now I wear my my bike helmet with pride.

I love it. So, you know, now I'm just thinking like, if I can do that with a bike helmet, like, why can't I do that with other things in my life? If I'm getting these silent shoulds, elsewhere. Right? Like, I just Yeah.

Like, wear what you want. Do what you want. Yeah. Well, this is this was the the the basis for my Halloween costume. Mhmm.

Yeah. Because this the silent should was you should be sexy. Mhmm. You should be really sexy and, taking efforts to make sure people notice.

For for our listeners.

Go ahead. Mhmm. I'm really proud of it. I love it. Had a

great Halloween costume. Thank you. It was, the Swadhisthana chakra.

Swadhisthana chakra. That's right. That's the the orange one at the sacral center.

Mhmm. The place that's responsible for our emotions and our sensuality, creativity.

Sexuality and creativity. Yep. Yep. Yep.

And so it was, in essence, like, the sexy costume.

Boom. I was going I was I was going for sexy. Not only was I going for sexy, I I know I nailed it. Mhmm. But go ahead.

Continue. Tell tell them in which way I nailed it.

So it was one of those big blow up, costumes, swirling orange ball of energy. And he was. He just like, you know, like, would like activate with the the Bija mantra of VOM. So plug him in and VOM. He would activate and then just become this swirling orange ball of energy and like

But you're making it sound really poetic for for people listening. I looked like I was in one of those, like, blow up costumes. I looked like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, but all orange. Mhmm. Just like just like a big puffy person.

Mhmm. I was a puff person. Yeah. Yeah. I had a really fun time.

You were really fun to to witness.

Thank you. Thank you. I was dancing around and people liked it. If you are watching, you can go to my personal Instagram and see a video of me dancing. You won't regret it.

But it was it was another take on how to be sexy. I'm I feel really proud of it. You're But it was a reaction to the should, which was the should was I should be in tight fitting clothes or shirtless or

I should put a harness on and some devil horns. I'm a devil Right?

I'm a devil. Yeah. Next next year, I'm going as a mouse.

Mhmm. Just a Duh.

Okay. So so choosing versus shoulds, I think the takeaway here is just starting to ask the question. Like, how often am I doing something because I choose to versus because I feel some form of obligation to. And I think some of those moments are I feel obligated but I can inject consciousness into it and start to make it a choice. And I think other moments it might be I get to I'm gonna start to cut this out or begin the process of cutting this out so that I so that it does it's not present in my life anymore.

Right. If, I think it men's works examples, it's the kind of like the the fuck yeses and the fuck noes. Right? Like, your list of, like, what are the, like and then there's the the the maybes. Right?

And if the maybes can get elevated to a fuck yes, like, okay. Cool. If they but if they drop down to a fuck no, like, drop them. Right? So just, like, kind of that that life audit.

Yeah. Boom. So with that, thank you so much for your leadership and mentorship that allowed me to to get to the place of being able to facilitate a circle like this this week. Felt it was an impactful one, and I loved hearing you talk about your experience.

You did an incredible job in the circle, and now, effective January, every second week Mhmm. Is belongs to you, the sharing circle and the embodiment circle.

Belongs to all of us.

Well, of course. And it, it is just the the growth of this community that we're building here. And, I'm very excited to be sharing this with you and collaborating with you and, seeing the impact it's having on the community, the men the, the new men that it's brought in. And hopefully, one of those men is gonna come down this road too, and soon we'll have three facilitators and then four and then five and then before you know it. Yeah.

Bit by bit.

Bit by bit. Yeah. Sometimes big bites. Sometimes little bites.

Alright. Do you feel complete?

I feel very complete. Would you take us out, please?

I will do. So let's all take a deep inhale and a gentle exhale. And, let's take a moment of appreciation and gratitude for this opportunity to look inward, to reflect, to share, to feel, to examine, and hopefully step away with insight and awareness about how we want to be, who we want to be, where we want to be. And with these words now, our container is open but not broken.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Thank you so much for joining us here in the circle. If you'd like to stay connected to us between episodes, please follow us on Instagram at queer men's embodiment. Like, subscribe, rate, and review wherever you find podcasts. And as we leave now, I wish you brotherhood, connection, authenticity, vulnerability, safety, and love. And with these words, our container is open but not broken.

Uho.