Doing vs. Being: When Growth Becomes Another Grind

Welcome back to The Circle, the podcast where we go all in on men's work, embodiment practices, and personal growth from our queer perspective. If you're enjoying the show, please be sure to share your favorite episode, leave a review, and subscribe. And if you have a question about anything you've heard us talk about, please send us a message. We'd love to hear from you. And now onto the show.

Many of us come into embodiment work and personal growth looking to feel more whole, more grounded, more present, more connected. But somewhere along the way, some old patterns might sneak in. The striving, the fixing, the belief that if we just do enough breath work, enough shadow work, enough healing, we'll finally be okay. We turn our spiritual practice into another hustle. Healing becomes another form of productivity.

And without realizing it, we bring the same mindset that burned us out right into the very place we're trying to find peace. But what if that need to keep going is the very thing that keeps us from feeling enough? Today, we're talking about the radical act of stopping, of letting go, of just being. Because maybe, just maybe, that's where the real transformation begins. Tim, are you ready to go all in?

I'm ready. Let's do this.

So there was a stretch of time where I was doing all the things, all the healing things. I was in therapy, I was doing breath works, I was in men's group, intensive programs. But it seemed like no matter how much I did, I still felt like I was falling short. Like there was some sort of better or more healed version of me that I hadn't reached yet, and I was somehow failing or not getting there fast enough. So Tim, I'm curious, have you experienced that too?

And if so, what do you think drives that constant need to improve even in the healing space?

I have absolutely experienced that, and I think everybody that I know where I've had this conversation has also experienced it. So I feel like one thing that happens frequently is something happens in your life that is challenging, upsetting, uncomfortable, potentially sad, or requires grief, and you are looking for something. So I had yoga teachers who would often say, you know, people will come to yoga because this thing has happened, and they're looking for something. I don't think there's anything wrong with recognizing that you're in deep pain, and you're looking for ways to maybe not feel that pain. Similar to you, I've been especially, you know, recently, I just got divorced.

I had to go through that life transition, and I was doubled down. I'm journaling. I'm doing breath work. I'm meditating. I'm in groups and, you know, leading groups and going to groups, and I'm going to retreats.

And, you know, I I wanted to find some solutions and to create to create the causes for what I wanted next. And so I don't think I don't think most people come purely in, I'm gonna be as excellent at spirituality as I am at other things. It it hasn't occurred to me quite like that from most of the people that I've been, talking to. But what what I think does happen is you come looking for something, and then you get little glimpses of it. So you take a yoga class, and you feel better when you're done.

Sometimes you'll you'll have, oh, in fifteen minutes of that class, I forgot about my breakup or I forgot about the, you know, the thing, and there's some relief. And so you you keep coming back. You keep coming back. But I think at some point, you have to be mindful then of what what that is and and what what is really healing.

What I'm hearing there is that many of us will come to a spiritual practice or spiritual space as a remedy. We've got a current pain or problem that we're trying to solve that has led us to seeking this out as a solution. So seeking it out as a remedy for the malady that we're experiencing. And then very few of us, I would say, are going in and saying like, Oh, I'm going to go into this thing to be the best. So those are the two things that I was hearing you say.

One is that we're going in with the intention of helping ourselves. And we're not going in with the intention of like, Oh, I'm doing this thing to help myself and I'm going to be the best. But potentially what happens over time, and I'll tell an experience that I had on my first silent meditation retreat. I went in with beginner's mind. I had really very little experience with meditation.

And I was like, oh, I'm just gonna do this five day silent practice, and I'm gonna see how it goes. It was very quick, probably within the first day or two that I was like, oh, I'm gonna be the best meditator. I was like, I was looking around. I was judging people. I was like, I see you over there shifting.

I see you over there fidgeting. I was like, I'm gonna be better than that. I'm gonna sit here all stoic and like, I'm not gonna move and I'm gonna be the best meditator in this room. And I had to catch myself. Was like, woah, woah, woah.

Like, where did that come from? Like, is this serving me right now to be the best meditator?

Well, what or what does that even mean? Right. And I think that's the thing. We we can get wrapped up then, and and I think this is one of the seductive dangers of yoga asana is that, you know, you do the yoga asana practice, and it can have it can transform your body in ways that people tend to really like, and it can be acrobatic and at times very impressive looking. So people go initially looking for for something deeper often, and and then you can get wrapped up in, well, not only did I feel better for x amount of time because of that practice, now I realize, oh, I was the deepest in my split.

And then if that starts to matter, then you can start to focus on, like, all the incredible things you can do, and and it can distract from what's really happening, which is, well, what is it about this practice that helps you feel more grounded, more present, less burdened by whatever you're burdened by, gives you greater clarity? You know, the split doesn't matter.

Yeah. The irony is that the benefit for me in these spaces and in these practices is the going in and being with myself and tending inward. And then what ends up happening in examples like that where I might be trying to do the poses the most and being the impressive person in the split is I'm going external. I'm now out into the world again, and I'm seeking outside validation rather than working within. And so I think that's just really a fascinating switch that sometimes happen.

Where's the line between I'm working on my practice and I'm deepening into my practice and performance?

Right. I think it's caring about someone else's opinion of your process. Right? So, you know, and I learned this this is why they you know, in dance and in yoga, they often say, you know, an injury can teach you so much. And that's a tough lesson to learn because injuries are tricky, and they don't feel good.

But but having danced and practiced yoga with and through injuries at times, it really is true because then there were many moments when, oh, the thing I have to do now to honor where I'm at is wildly different than the thing that I could do and that will likely be able to do later that is more impressive. And I have to I have to be willing to be here now and know that I cannot tell you know, I was practicing in New York City. I can't walk around and tell the 35 other people in class, hey, by the way, I'm working with this injury. So when we did forearm stand and I didn't do it and I was in a different pose, like, but I just need you to know that I could do you know what I mean? Mhmm.

And so so in that moment, you have to you have to practice being being like, well, I have to focus on what I'm doing. I and I can't and then I but so here's the thing, because I do it all the time. I mean, I have I have an embarrassing amount of looking outward, you know, for any number of reasons, and I work on it. So I don't think it's necessarily always about just stopping that. Because if someone knows how to do that and you're listening to this podcast, please send us an email and tell me how.

But I think instead, it's recognizing, oh, I I I wanted that person to know that I could do a split. I wanted them to see me in that impressive forearm stand.

Like me in the meditation hall being like, I'm gonna let you know subliminally, I'm going to trans I'm going to, like, send this to you that, like, I'm not going to fidget. I see you fidgeting. I'm not going to fidget.

Yeah. Like I mean, yes. And so then you just recognize, oh, there's that thing making it about what they think. And it also happens so I'll tell you a story from today, this morning, where I got up and, I have the dog, so my morning routine is a little bit different, and I and I felt like I had a little bit less time. And so, normally, I get up and I do my journaling, which takes me about thirty minutes, and then I do this breath practice.

And for the last few months, I've been doing four rounds of Wim Hof. It's taking me just under fifteen minutes. And today, I was like, if I do that video, that YouTube video, I'm gonna be cutting it pretty close. Then I'll have to rush my walk with the dog, I didn't wanna do that. And so I'm like, well, I could go back to the three round, you know, YouTube video that I started with.

You know? And I had this internal conflict about, well, is that less? Is that you know? And then I've I've had that same thought. Like, this can be it today, and it doesn't have to be compared to yesterday or tomorrow.

And what what would that feel like? And so I I settled, but it was it was a practice of awareness. I'm aware that I'm competing with a previous version of myself and an idealized version of myself because I have this need to be exceptional because I'm terrified no one's gonna love me. All of this to say there was a part of me that was more willing to not do the breath practice than to do a reduced version because then I would have felt like I wasn't doing it enough. And then I was like, Tim, this is your practice.

Just do the three rounds.

Commendable to see it, to have that internal dialogue with yourself. I very rarely see it. I'm like, for me myself, if I'm in that position, I'm I'm either like, I'm gonna do it or burn it all down. Right? Like, forget I'm just not even gonna do it.

If I can't do it to what is on my task list, what's on my to do list Yeah. And this is something I wanna chat about is that, like, sometimes for me, I look at my spiritual practices almost as a to do, and I think there's another fine line between holding yourself accountable to personal growth spiritual practices and checking something off of a list.

Right. And I think I think it exists on a spectrum. Right? So I believe my own personal experience has been that there have been times when checking things off the list was really helpful, especially in the beginning. And that list making me do things that that without it, I might have I don't really you know?

There was a lot to learn, but I think in our evolution as people, whether we're talking about spirituality or just personal growth, as we start to deepen into things, we might then rely on them less. So, you know, I'll I'll go to swimming. I was a swimmer when I was in high school, and we had lots of different tools that we would use for different drills. We had kickboards. We had hand paddles.

We had pull buoys and all all kinds of things that we would use. And your relationship with those things changes. And I feel like we have to allow that in our spiritual growth. But for me, I'm hearing from you and I think a lot of people, well, it was because it can also add up. It's supposed to be an hour of yoga asana, thirty minutes of meditation.

I should probably do thirty minutes of breath work. I do believe that there should be some structure, and that structure for me is I would like there to be some practice for me every day. And then that can there can be some flow in so typically, do four rounds of Wim Hof. Today, I did three. That does not make me a failure at my spiritual practice, but that's a practice because there's a part of me that wanted to say that.

Yeah. So what I'm hearing is it's almost like the task list can be the training wheels that can help us get into habit and routine and ritual. If we're bringing in a devotional sense to them, it can be a ritualistic thing. And then over time, we can start to remove or not have as much rigid structure because it becomes more of an embodied process. We're able to feel into, how am I today or where am I at today?

And can I say I can still do a practice and it's going to be three rounds of breath rather than four rounds and still commit to that? Because me, in a past life, I would have burned it all down. If I can't do the four, I won't do it all.

Yeah. Well, that that's one extreme, and I can really relate to that. I think we have that in common. I I think, though, the structure is important because the other extreme is the people letting themselves off the hook so easily. And wanting to bring a lot of love and compassion to that, it isn't a blame or a bad, but you might be missing some gold if you you don't push through the some of the moments that you didn't wanna be at.

So anything worth doing, and I've talked about this with regards to my dance career, you have to be willing to go to class when you don't want to. All the people who made it. And and it's dance class or it's your voice lessons or it's whatever the thing is. Sometimes you're gonna go and you don't wanna go. And I think that's a big difference.

The willingness to go when you don't wanna go and then then the experience of what it feels like. Sometimes you go when you don't wanna go, and then it's the worst. But sometimes you're like, I didn't wanna do this, but that was killer. I'm so glad I did it. So glad I did it.

I think I, have I told the the story about Sleep No More on this podcast?

Not that I recall.

Okay. Sleep No More is this interactive theater experience in New York City about Macbeth. Mhmm. Have I not told this? Okay.

And my my first husband, wanted to see the show, and so I got him tickets for the for the show for his birthday. And

I

did not wanna go. I was like, this sounds miserable. I don't wanna do it. But it's his birthday, I agreed to do it, and we go and do it. Anyway, the short version of the story, you get separated and everyone's wearing masks.

So you're in this big, like, five story, like, warehouse where you can just meander and all kinds of things are happening, and it's really well done. So you're not really with your person or your people. You're kinda separated the whole time. Anyway, I proceed to have the most incredible experience. I got called out, singled out by lead actors in the show on two separate occasions.

Actually, the witch at one point pulled me aside and gave me the a kiss. I was the only person in, like, the 400 people in this experience that had lip marks on my mask. At the end, I was like,

that

was amazing. And I asked I asked, you know, my first husband how was his experience. And, you know, he went with the expectation of wanting the experience that I ultimately ended up having. So he was a little disappointed. And I was like, oh, that was so great.

And if two hours prior, I would have been like, I don't wanna go. Mhmm. And now I I like I tell that story frequently. It so there is value I think in showing up sometimes when you don't want to. It isn't always gonna be what I just described, but what you learn as an athlete, what you learn as a whatever endeavor you're doing could be gold in that moment.

So I think there's that. And then as you start to get more and more steeped, then you have to start to soften around those and really make your choices based more on what your purpose is and less on what you're supposed tos are. And the intention too. Right? I do think it's important to show up, really do believe in this mantra that showing up is the hardest

part. And I think though showing up with the intention of, Oh, I'm going to this class or I'm going to this show because it is out of service and love and devotion, either to somebody else or to myself. And that can result in a personal growth experience or something magical can happen out of that with the right intention. But if I'm going with the intention of I want to go because I'm trying to fix something or I'm trying to prove something, trying to get external validation from it, then I feel like we start to maybe dip into a different territory with that.

Right. And I think we need to shed light. So one of the reasons why I am prone to doing that is because I would only get validation, especially at a young age, when I would do exceptional things. So I was trained to be constantly striving for exceptional to be exceptional in ways, and that often meant, you know, be willing to go the extra mile and checking things off the list. So when we start to look at that and recognize, is that serving me or not?

We have to look at it with a lot of compassion. And so it isn't, in my in my opinion and in my personal experience, it isn't about removing it. I don't think I don't think I'm ever gonna fully remove it unless I get, you know, enlightened. I think it will be about recognizing it and then consciously choosing with that recognition. Oh, part of me wants to do this because it's an old pattern of achievement and validation seeking.

Is that serving me right now? And, you know, in the, the example I gave earlier with my practice this morning, I am very glad that I did three breaths three rounds of breath rather than none. So I actually think it's served. And if I have time tomorrow, I'll probably do four. Because four feels good.

Mhmm. Feels like a stretch, and I feel like that's part of it. I'm like, I'm trying to stretch.

Right. And so what I what I hear there is that there is a true genuine desire for personal growth rather than this need to perform. Or the next concept that I want to introduce is the desire to fix ourselves because we feel broken, Like, oh, I have to do this thing in order to be the most healed. I have to do this thing in order to be the most present. And so can you talk to me about your journey of getting to that point of being able to have that genuine desire for growth?

Oh, I'm gonna ask you to ask that question again in a second. The thing I wanna bring up because it's what just inspired is, you know, the eight limbs of yoga. For for the Ishtanga yoga or the Raja yoga path, the eight limbs, yama, niyama, asana, pranayama, pratyahara, dharana, dhyana, and samadhi. Right? So the ethical considerations and observances, the postures, the breath, sense withdrawal, the first the first six are things that we can do.

And and then in the doing of those things, we start to create the foundation for the possibility of the next two that we can't do in the same way that we think of as doing. Now if you speak to an enlightened being, they probably will have a better explanation of that. But, that meditative absorption and then the state of samadhi bliss or ecstasy, these are things that that we have to do things to create the causes for, but we can't do them. So it's this blend of there is some doing in our path, but I think that doing allows us to then be. And so we have to or I invite us all to consider, can we allow being to be a component while we are doing?

So if I'm understanding, like, the concept is here that I cannot do bliss. I can be bliss, and in order to be bliss, there are things that I can do to get to that state. Yeah. Right. Correct?

Okay. Yeah. There right. There exactly. There are there are things that I can do to prepare myself.

You know? So Amir talks about this, like, cleansing the temple body, cleansing our physical and subtle body, basically preparing ourselves to the best of our ability to be ready for the depth of experience that we're that we're hoping to have. But we can't we can't just do that depth of experience. Like, we create the causes and the foundation for it, and then we have to be and and then meet that moment when it when it comes. So, yeah, that's that's why to me, it's a really because I don't it isn't about not doing.

To me, especially where I'm at now going through my divorce, and there are moments when I'm like, I want to feel differently. And so what I want you to do is to give me the recipe, and I can just I'll do that recipe, and then I'll feel better. And the lesson that I've been learning is that isn't how this is gonna work. You're gonna have to be with some of these feelings and these experiences, and you're gonna have to be waiting, be in the waiting for the answers that you're in the clarity you're looking for.

What I'm hearing too, this goes back to the intention behind something. Why am I doing it? Am I doing it because I'm like, oh, the current situation I'm in right now needs to be fixed, changed radically different. And I'm just not okay with either what I'm in or who I am in this present moment. And so I'm trying to fix myself.

And so there may be a narrative of I am not enough going on. And so now I have to do, do, do. I have to do the four rounds of breath. I have to do the thirty minutes of journaling. I have to do the two hours of yoga every day, right?

Because I have to do these things in order to become that thing that I'm trying to become. And I think, again, there's just such a fine line here between there's aspirational striving of, I do want to become a better person, a more healed person, a deeper connected person. But how does that, like, how can that sometimes dip into the, like, I am not enough currently, and I'm trying to fix myself?

Well, I I mean, that's important. I think that it's okay if you are really uncomfortable and you wanna change something. I think that's totally okay. And I think it's okay if aspects of your spiritual practice do make a change even if it's temporary. I do some breath work and some meditation, and I feel better for a period of time.

I'm less burdened by the thing that's happening. Great. But we have to be mindful if that's all we're doing. I'm uncomfortable. I want to change, and now I'm gonna run to this practice to get it to change.

And I think what I'm learning and discovering now is that I have to be willing to sit with, oh, I'm feeling I'm feeling scared and uncertain. That's that's what I'm feeling. That's the experience that I'm having. And and what I've been doing in my own personal practice, I recognize, okay. I'm feeling scared and uncertain.

Here's the experience that that exists in my physical body. So right now, fear and uncertainty, although I'm not feeling it in this moment, but this morning, I'm like, it felt like a tightness in my midline. I I kind of identify, well, this is what I'm feeling. This is my experience. And then I say, okay.

I have to just be comfortable being that person who's having that experience. And then when I sat down to do my breath, even though the breath does make me feel better, I couldn't do it just so that it would make me feel better. And then I think there are moments when you can. You know what's gonna make me feel better if I do a little bit of breath? Okay.

No problem. But but it can't be the everyday. Like, the reason I did the breath was because I had made commitments to myself that that were bigger than this one moment of uncertainty that I'm describing. And so I went to the breath, and it did make me feel better. But I had to be willing to sit with, well, this is actually my experience, and I can't try to run from it by hiding it with a thing.

You know, it's not different than drugs and alcohol. Mhmm. Right? So we can numb ourselves in all kinds of ways. We can do it with exercise.

We you know, we and so we have to be mindful of, well, when am I when am I using something consciously? When am I using it reflexively or reactively? And when am I when am I running towards something, and when am I running away from something?

I think that those recognitions and that that tuning into what's going on, the intention behind something, the motivation behind something, I think is the really critical component here. And I like to refer to many of these things as tools. They are tools in the toolkit to pull forward, to pull out at certain times because I know that there is an effect that it has on me. But it's not necessarily that I'm gonna do this breathwork practice because I know the feeling that this breathwork practice. It's more that like, oh, I'm gonna commit to something for myself.

And then in the doing of that and in the accomplishment of that, I'm in a cycle of personal growth. Going back to that going to the class when it feels a

little

uncomfortable, right, when it's the desire may not truly be there. But the recognition that, like, I know that, like, if I'm truly committed to myself, that this is going to benefit me. It may not be the actual tangible, this breath work practice made my head go tingly, but it's the accomplishment afterwards of like, I did this, I pushed myself, and now I'm like, what was the quote that you said recently about like, like, self confidence and upholding the commitments that we make to ourselves?

Oh, it was Carolyn Mays who, in her lecture series about building self esteem and the way that we build self esteem by upholding the commitments we make to ourselves. And that that has had a huge impact in my life because there's truth to it. If I don't honor the commitments that I make to me, well, then why would I like, how could I reasonably expect anyone else to honor them? And what happens when I start chipping away at my own self trust? Oh, I really I can't trust myself to do any of the things I say I'm gonna do, and then I don't ever do anything.

That's why I referenced that is like in those moments of like, why am I doing something? Again, it's not about how physically I'm going to feel after the yoga practice or the breath work or whatever it might be. It's the, oh, I'm setting myself a thing that I want to accomplish and I'm upholding myself to that. Yeah. And I'm building that self esteem so that over time, maybe I have to seek less externally because I'm doing this for myself, by myself.

Yeah. I mean,

I think I think a lot of these practices are geared at giving us an an internal experience so that we can start to understand what our internal experience is and start to trust it. Because I can't make you validate me, but I can I can start to look inward and validate myself? You know, this is a practice I've been doing at night now just recently, and it's I wanted to become more more regular. But recognizing, oh, Tim, you did you did a great job doing this sort of recognizing and validating myself because I just was never in a I was never in a headspace before to do that. Never thought of it.

It was like, oh, it matters if my teacher saw it. It matters if the the, you know, the director or the choreographer saw it. It matters if the coach saw. That's what matters. And then said, oh, well, no.

It can matter it can matter if I saw. So the ability to go inward and get some of that validation from ourself rather than needing it from other people. And that's also a practice because it isn't initially it's a little bit like when we do limiting we identify limiting belief and then we have this reframed view. And, initially, it doesn't if you're if you are accustomed to and listen. I've been I've been for forty six and more than forty six and three quarter years been looking outward for people to validate me.

So, no, it doesn't feel as satisfying when I first start doing it to myself, but I can't stop. And with practice, like anything else, it can deepen and deepen and deepen. So I'm like, now I'm in that practice. I look forward to the time when I get to come back and be like, it does feel the same now. It feels better.

I don't know if this is gonna be like episode, like, 33 or 35 or something. And maybe I'll say that episode 150. I mean,

it just feels good to be recognized by others as well. I think it's just the reliance on it. Can we be happy if we don't get it? And then when we do get it, allowing it to be that extra little cherry on top.

Yeah. I mean, when we talk about personal growth and looking back on our lives and we think about therapy and all this stuff, we talk about our we talk about our childhoods a lot. And, you know, there's sort of the joke about, you know, everything your is your parents' fault and whatever. But when you're young, your your safety, your security is in the hands of your caregivers in your community. So I think what happens is some of these things feel that important.

And so we learn the lesson then, and it's like, well, now how do we do we start to change that when the validation feels that important, but it isn't anymore? I'm I'm an adult now, and I I know that I can manage certain aspects of my life. But my internal experience says I still need it from them. Right? That's that's where the work is.

So it's not about, I think, beating up on anyone Mhmm. But looking back and realizing, well, some of these patterns were were created when you were my you being my family, my community, whatever, my source of safety. And I was I was, like, necessarily looking to you to help me understand my world and my life. That's how it starts. We look around to be like, help me understand what's happening.

I I understand it by by seeing you and what you do and how you reflect back to me. And so, yeah, we start by looking at other people. Now we have to learn to look in towards ourselves. I'd like to recognize that that is not a small ask. And this is why I think there are are whole, like, medical fields and and industries around helping people to do this very thing.

Yeah. High high achievers are not born overnight. Right? People that are are are striving to do the things, be the best, all this stuff, that is not born overnight. It is something that it's ingrained in us through the experience that you just described.

And it doesn't also vanish overnight. And I think though that as a person who is that high performance, like do do do type of person, it can also be an extreme benefit. I have been able to find ways in which to turn it into a superpower, not just in my professional career, but now also in my own personal practices where I can have the motivation to get something done and strive towards it. And checking myself along the way of what is my motivation, what's my intention behind this, and then using it then to propel me along my journey.

Well, is foundational in the men's workspace and in personal growth, which is the wound is often our greatest gift, that we heal others through the process of healing our own wound. Right? So exactly, it can be a superpower. Would argue that if looked at consciously, it almost always is. So discipline, a desire to a desire for excellence, these could all be total superpowers once we realize what they are, how we got them, and we don't allow them to be compulsive.

We allow them to be a a thing, a tool we can utilize. I like to think of it almost like a a musician or a DJ's board and a dial that I can consciously dial up and dial back depending on the context. And for me, I'm dialing up that or I'm learning

to dial up and down that thing from a place of, like, growth and opportunity to grow rather than an opportunity to fix because I'm broken. I think that's a distinct difference is that I was striving for so long because I was broken, because I wasn't enough. Now I can sometimes, not all the time, I can sometimes recognize that like, oh, I'm doing this because, yes, I can claim that I'm perfect exactly the way that I am in this moment, and I can also improve.

Yeah. I wanna shine some light though that that awareness that you have came from practice. So for the person who feels broken, there can still be value in trying to not feel broken. And then one of the benefits can be at some point you realize, oh, I can shift this perspective. And I but I I don't know that everyone can

do that immediately. Definitely not. But I think the underlying thing though that if we take it back to the start of this conversation of how somebody might fall into that trap of like, do, do, do, I have to go to the retreat, do the breath work, do the thing because I'm in a constant state of more healing, right, It's like, okay. Like and I recognize that I that I am enough.

Well, this is why I think I wanted to talk about this today with regards to being one of the most advanced practices that I I don't even know if advanced is the right word so much as impactful, is the check-in. And I do believe that sometimes we can sort of gloss over the check-in as like, this thing that we do. And and for those of you who don't know, a check-in, in a men's space and in the in the men's sharing circle here in Provincetown, we start with a check-in where we scan our body from the crown of the head down to the, tips of our toes, moving through the whole body. And it's a simple practice where we look for sensation, and then we ask ourselves, is there an emotion connected to that sensation? And we try to keep it really short and tight without any story.

So an example would be I'll just do it. Tim checking in, and I feel an uplifted tension in my cheeks. Feels connected to joy. I could go on and do the the whole scan, but not connected to joy because I'm having fun, recording a podcast or any story. Just I feel uplifted tension in my cheeks, joy.

And then I feel warmth in my chest, love. And then I feel tightness in my abdomen, anxiety. And we start to we start to really clue in, check-in with what we're feeling because we can't be with it until we until we feel it. And I think so I think another reason why people do so much is because if we're not aware of what we're feeling when it's subtle, then we're only usually ever aware of what we're feeling when it's gigantic. So then you meet a person.

I am in incredible pain. Well, if you're in incredible pain, of course, you're looking to alleviate that pain, to alleviate the grief, to whatever the thing is, and there's nothing wrong with that. So go to a yoga class if yoga class helps you manage the grief of having lost someone, whether it's lost them forever or lost them because it's a breakup. You know? Go to the kickboxing class if you are you know?

But then when it gets to be more nuanced, start to check-in with yourself every day so that you can be with yourself before it's that big, which I which is now what I'm doing in the morning. I'm checking with myself. Okay. I woke up feeling scared and uncertain. I'm not so scared and uncertain that I'm going to collapse in my day.

And the the the recognition of it, the claiming of it, and the being with it immediately changes it. So we go to the we go to the, the scientific experiment, right, where they're looking at does it does light behave like a wave or a particle? Remember this? Do know this experiment? And the presence of the observer changes it.

Okay. So I'm not, there's there's a scientific experiment.

Are you talking about the scientific method or, like, a scientific experiment?

There is a scientific experiment about observing the nature of light.

Got it.

And light can behave both like a wave or like a particle. And I wanna stop here and say, I am not a science expert. Right? But part of that, and then we can all look it up and please write in if there's you know, the the observer, the presence of an observer changes the way it behaves. Okay.

I'm gonna stop there. That's that's real, and we're gonna Google this afterwards. Okay. But this is a real thing. The the the fact that it's being observed changes it.

That is true of our experience. So rather than I'm in so much pain and now I'm trying to change it, if I can just observe and be with, it already starts to change it. And it doesn't mean that's why we should do it. But it's but we can't be with something if we don't know it's there. So part of the being is, okay.

So to this morning, I am a scared and uncertain man. I'm a man who is experiencing fear and uncertainty. I'm also a man who's experiencing hope and contentment. You know? Like, all of these things were true this morning.

And so, okay, can I just be that man? And I think the I think it helps. The problem is it doesn't help in a quantifiable way where I can't say, oh, I did that and I lost five pounds. Or I did that and, you know, two of these wrinkles went away. Or I did that, you know, and I got three phone numbers for dates.

You know? It's like I did that and I felt something shift. A worthwhile thing shifted, I believe.

That practice and what I heard you say during that was, I am this, period. There is no story. It's not, I am sad because X, Y, and Z, and this is the power of the check-in practice, is it is radical permission to just be. We do not have to justify our experience. This is my experience.

This is who I am right now. This is my being.

Well, the the the story is the story isn't always blaming, but it almost always draws us out of the what is for us. So if I if I'm like, oh, I have tightness in my shoulders because I did shoulders today, it it still makes it about this thing that happened in the past or happened over there. You know? And

The doing rather than the being.

Right. And then but so with the check-in, if it's like tightness in my shoulders and fatigue or sadness, you're like, okay. Because the thing is, it doesn't matter. You know, if you think about, like, maybe you did shoulders at the gym, maybe you had to babysit for your for your nephew and you had to pick the you know, the the the why your shoulders are tight doesn't matter. You're still having the experience you're having, and it's about that.

So when we talk about being, well, what experience are you having? And a lot of people can't even tell you. And, you know, I work with so many clients, but, with acupuncture and personal training in particular, when I ask people when when I ask men, how are you feeling? It's very often fine. And now it's actually become a joke with some of my clients.

I'm like, I need you to say more than fine. I need fine doesn't say anything to me. And and I and I'm encouraging them into that into that conversation because because fine isn't a feeling. Fine isn't a sensation. And then you realize, oh, we've been conditioned.

Oh, I'm supposed to just say it's fine. When in reality, you might you might be feeling sore. And as a personal trainer, I might wanna know about information. Yeah. You might be feeling really tired.

Oh, maybe maybe I don't wanna weight load you so heavy right now if if you're at a 90 on your, you know, fatigue percentage. But I would need you to be able to tell me that. That's why this is such an important like, the check-in is such an important practice. Everyone should do it every day. It doesn't take that long.

It doesn't take that long. And the the power of recognizing who you are, how you're doing in any given moment without the need to justify, to rationalize it, is so liberating. It really is. To just say, I'm tired. That's it.

I'm experiencing fatigue. Or I'm happy. The storytelling that goes along with that, really doesn't For me, it just invalidates. It invalidates the feeling. Like, you're trying to justify it.

Why do you need to justify it? Why does anyone need to justify it? Just be. And that's I'm not trying to say, it's that easy.

I'm like, that sounds I'm

trying to, like, paint the picture of, like, it can be that easy. It can be that easy to be like, oh, chili fingers. I don't have to go through and then, like, criticize my body, shitty circulation because I smoked for fifteen years. Right? Like, I can just say, yes, chili fingers.

Do I want to, like, warm my fingers up? Right? It's just how I am. It's just who I am right now. I don't need to I don't need to, like, go in the past and, like, criticize myself, I can use it as information.

Sure. It's also empowering them when we think about destructive behavior. So if I can recognize if I can go down the list of experiences, I feel angry. Okay. Well, why am I angry?

Oh, I'm jealous. Why am I jealous? Oh, that that person didn't wanna hang out with me. Okay. What what why do I feel jealous about oh, I don't feel chosen.

Oh, okay. So I I don't feel chosen. I feel abandoned in some way. And now now I'm on an app searching for something else. And then if you can stop instead of being reflexive, like, well, I'm just on the app because that's what I always do.

And I you know? And you recognize, oh, I'm on this app because I feel lonely and unchosen, and I'm looking for someone to make me feel chosen and less lonely, you might reconsider that behavior. That does not mean, by the way, that you shouldn't be unabs or that, you know, that behavior. You know? But being conscious of, well, what am I what am I actually looking for?

And is this what I'm wanting? And oftentimes, it's like, well, when you recognize it, oh, I might be able to give that to myself or I might be able to get it in a healthier way, and then I could make that choice when I wanna go on the app because, oh, I want to have a hookup. Okay. As opposed to I need to have a hookup to make me feel less, abandoned or less less invalidated, and therefore, I'm gonna do whatever it takes.

Try to seek that and get that externally.

Right. And so that's one example because there are so many. And I, you

know I just feel inclined. Like, I do, like, yes, if you want to be on the apps, go on the apps. But I also want to maybe just give people permission as well that I made a decision last year. It's been almost an entire year since I've been on any of the dating apps because of that behavior. I recognised what was happening inside of me and how compulsive it was.

I wasn't even looking. I was just going on blindly, mindlessly. I'm like, why am I doing this? Why do I keep doing this? And I just wanted to give that as a message to y'all that, like, you do not need to be on the apps to have a fulfilling life.

Like like, if if you want to, go for it. Do it. Have have the fun. Do the do the interactions in however you want to. I also want to say, like, you can also be gay and not be on the the apps.

No. I think that I think that's I think that's totally right. And I've discovered that oftentimes, I would go on the apps to fill time, to feel to get a few dopamine pings, you know, But I would often feel worse. Because if I'm on and this is why we come back to this recognizing what's happening and then allowing ourselves to be with it. You're on the app looking for a thing that it can't really give you.

And so when you when you walk away from it, you haven't gotten the thing you were looking for. And when you are unconscious of what that thing is, then you're just like, well, I I I put the app down. I don't feel I feel worse, but I don't know why. As opposed to, oh, I was looking for someone to make me feel less lonely.

Starts with us.

Right. And then and so then we start to look into our own feelings and our own experiences. We start to be with ourself first and foremost. And then we can recognize, well, chances are if I wanna feel less lonely, I probably need to call someone that I think knows me. And, I mean, these are the choices that I would make.

So I hear you. I don't think, you know, and then any behavior that can be compulsive, we could put into this example. Absolutely. Because, like,

it full circle, it's the dopamine hit of accomplishing something, doing something of like-

Yeah. I got I got a like, I got a message, I got an offer.

I crossed that thing off my checklist. Whatever it might be, right, that hit. Yeah. And like, again

I got a I got a drink. I got a hit. I got a like, it can be any of these things. It's the motivation. Why am, like, why am I doing that?

And and a lot of that is you probably don't know if you haven't been with yourself. And I suspect for people who are practicing this observation of their internal experience and and trying to be with it, It doesn't mean that they might not do any of these behaviors, but if they were to do it, I suspect it would be much more conscious. I'm choosing to do this as opposed to this is the

thing I always do. The power of choice and making the conscious choice. And sometimes that conscious choice is I'm choosing to do nothing or I'm choosing to reduce the amount of practice that I'm doing and being able to recognize that.

So men's work, it's really about helping us to connect to our full human experience. And, you know, one of the cultural challenges that men have is not feeling like they have permission to to feel their emotions. And so a lot of the strategies then around that is to suppress them, to ignore them. And what we've learned is that that doesn't that doesn't make them go away. It just puts them in a different form, and then they come up.

They they surface in in other ways. They're not gone. And so that's what this is. The practice of being with yourself sometimes then means being, as I described earlier, being with an uncomfortable version of you. And the it might sound at first to be like, well, what if I just don't pay attention to it?

But that it's not gonna go away. So the truth is I'm going through a divorce, and I have, over the last few months, been feeling a lot of fear and uncertainty. Pretending that I'm not feeling fearful and uncertain is not gonna make it go away. I suspect it would actually make it worse. So would I rather be sitting or would I rather my being be like, oh, I'm just, like, really content and joyful, and I feel I mean, yes.

And on those moments, I I I hope that I remember to savor them. But the practice is going to include being with yourself when it is uncomfortable, and that's part of the practice. And we go back to the to the athlete or the dancer. That's the moment you went to the lesson or to the practice or to the rehearsal when you didn't want to. Fast forward to you won the gold medal.

You are performing at the Met Opera. You know, whatever the thing is, it's a necessary step in that direction.

This has been really enlightening for me as I've gone through a lot of this work and a lot of what we've talked about today of the striving, overachieving, why am I doing certain things and really wanting to offer to folks that it can be of service. It can be of service to be achieving something, especially when the motivation is for yourself. And then over time, just resting in the beingness of yourself. I don't know. Do have a more elaborate way to wrap up right now as my brain is feeling a little tingly and mushy?

Well, like, what what are you being with? You're being with tingling and mushiness?

Yeah. Like like a little dullness in the brain.

Yeah. Yeah. So you're a man who's experiencing some dullness right now. Yeah. Okay.

Well, you can be with that. I think that to me, feels deeply connected to these universal teachings. That yogic teaching of every posture or practice is a combination of effort and grace to the Chinese teaching of yin yang where everything that exists has both of them, is comprised of both of them. It cannot be a 100% of one and zero of the other. Right?

And so in our journey, we need to have the masculine, feminine, the sun, the moon. We need to have some doing, and we need to have some being. So a few takeaways. First and foremost, we live in a world that really prioritizes the doing. So then maybe one of the things we need to do is to practice how to how to be.

But we have to recognize that the nature of our world and the nature of our human experience and our life is going to be a mix of these things. So get more in touch with being with yourself, and then let that being influence how and what you are doing, and let them commingle. So one of the images that we use in men's work a lot when we talk about the masculine and the feminine or the yin and the yang is the river and its banks. And when you think of a river, most of the time when I have this image, they're just together. Now imagine just banks, an empty riverbed.

Okay? And now imagine a river with no banks. You're like, it's just like sort of a chaotic flood. Right? They need to be together, and I think it's the same.

So when we think about being and doing, we have to let them both coexist. So for our purposes, we need to invite more being because we're super good at doing. Men, in particular, are good at doing. Queer men are good at are good at hyper doing to make up for, you know, all the ways that they felt like they weren't good enough. And so can we practice just being and what's coming?

And by the way, I will keep you updated because it is a practice, and I would rather be doing. I would rather you tell me five push ups and five sit ups, and then and then I won't be uncertain anymore. That would be great, but that isn't how it's gonna work. So I'm gonna keep practicing, and I will keep letting you know how it goes. But besides that, I'm feeling complete.

Feelcom Alright. Let's, close our eyes. Take a deep inhale. Big, loud exhale. And it is with deep appreciation and gratitude for any insights, awarenesses, or understandings that we may have gained in the sacred shared space that we now release the archetypes and the spirits that we called in.

I wish everyone safety and love as we leave. And with these words are containers open, but not broken. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.