Taking It All In: The Art of Receiving Without Shame or Obligation

Welcome back to The Circle, the podcast where we go all in on men's work, embodiment practices, and personal growth from our queer perspective. If you're enjoying the show, please be sure to share your favorite episode, leave a review, and subscribe. And if you have a question about anything you've heard us talk about, send us a message. We'd love to hear from you. And now onto the show.

In today's episode, we're exploring something that seems simple on the surface but is deeply layered underneath. The act of receiving, whether that's a compliment, a gift, or a moment of intimacy, many of us struggle to take it all in. Why is that? And what comes alive when we simply allow ourselves to fully receive? Tim, are you ready to go all in?

I am. Let's do this then.

So I'm curious. When you think about the act of receiving, whether that is receiving love, support, a gift, a compliment, what comes alive inside of you? Is it is it ease? Is it resistance? Is it something else?

Well, the first thing that pops into my mind is this, adage that I heard a lot when I was a kid, which is it's better to give than to receive. And I think there's some beauty in that idea, and I have 100% experienced the joy of giving. Oh, I I thought of you. This is, you know, is meaningful to me, and I want to share this with you or I want you to have this or, you know, whether it's time or a gift or a compliment, you know. But in that, there was never really any education around the value of receiving, how to do it skillfully, how to do it gracefully, why why it might be important.

You know, so the idea that it's better to give than to receive from my Irish Catholic upbringing was all about being polite and appropriate and sort of a, you know, adhering to, non optional social constructs and you know? And it didn't at all talk about self care. So when I think about when I think about receiving, I think, oh, we probably have a really hard time doing it because we have this idea that it's that it's better to give them to receive inherent, and it is like, oh, well, one of these things is better than the other. Right? And so we haven't valued receiving, especially and we haven't created a context around doing it skillfully.

And so I think we have a lot of confusion around it, and therefore, we have trouble doing it. And now men's work has started a conversation within me about, the value of receiving and what it can what it can do. And just really interestingly, you know, in in the Kabbalistic tradition, as I understand it, they have a really important there's a lot of importance on the on sharing. Sharing is, like, a really big practice, and, of course, sharing can be objects and things. It can be time.

It can be effort. It can be talent, you know, any number of things. And one of the teachings is, oh, well, sometimes receiving is the gift because you're allowing someone, you're giving the opportunity for them to give. And it was it started this reframing of what it means to receive and how it can be a powerful

active act. Absolutely. I love that because as a person that does tend to be more comfortable with giving, there is something inside of me that is fulfilled when I am fully able to give to somebody and they are fully able to receive. I think about Tuesday night soups after embodiment circle. It fills me up so much to be able to give that as an offering to the men that come over after the embodiment circle.

And I want nothing from them except for them to receive. I just want them to receive my offering, and that fills me up so much. But what I notice in many of the men that come over is this kind of what you were talking about, this almost like shame or worthlessness that if they can't show up with something, if they can't bring bread or soda or cookies, then they really doubt that they can be there. They're like, oh, I didn't bring anything. I can't show up.

And it's like, no,

no, no. Like, your presence is a gift. Well, that's the radical thing that you're that you're referring to. You know, we the idea that your beingness can be enough. And, you know, the the cultural context is that, well, we sort of have to earn our place at every at every table.

And and so I think this work is starting to dismantle that because there are there are other ways of evening things out. Right? So it doesn't have to be, oh, you're giving me soup. I have to give you something right now. Right?

There there are, like, broader ways that sort of, I would think, honor the humanity of our connections. You know? Maybe one day, you pay for the whole dinner, and I don't have to give you anything in that moment because it's enough. But chances are, you know, a week from now, a month from now, you know, I'm doing a similar thing. But but it's it's not because I feel like I have to, but because, oh, well, we each have a mutual, mutually beneficial relationship where we want to both give and receive because there's value in both.

Mhmm.

You said something about like kind of this obligation, when it comes to just receiving, right? Like, you know, sometimes when somebody is given something, it's like, oh, are there strings attached? Oh, are you expecting something for me in return? Like, is this truly freely given? So in my case with soup, I I am.

I am freely giving it. I do not expect somebody to pay the bill for dinner in a month. If they do, great. Cool. Like, I love that.

That is not my expectation. That's not what I'm signing up to do. But, like, there there is a lot of that that comes with receiving. That it's like, oh, is this does this have an obligation

connected with it?

Yeah. Is there an expectation? Like, if I don't say thank you appropriately, are you gonna hold that against me? Yeah. And all these things that can come with that that part of receiving.

So what do you think about that?

Well, I definitely think that I've had the personal experience of having a hard time receiving because I wasn't sure if there were strings attached. Now when I was younger, there there would often be strings attached, and there would also be the sort of understanding of even if I told you it was freely given, some part of you should have known that you can't you can't receive without having to pay it back at some point, which is like a power dynamic. But, I think we need to create a culture in which, am I really am I actually giving this freely because I want you to have it or because I want to give it to you? Is very different than, oh, we're doing like a tally of whose turn is it to give because we need to keep it sort of roughly even the whole time. I just don't think that's how that that doesn't feel like authentically human to me.

But in receipts culture, when everyone is is is holding receipts against each other, right, that that does happen. Right? It's like, well, I did this for you, why aren't you doing this for me in return? And it's like, well, was that clearly communicated? Was that an agreement that we made?

Oh, no, that was a silent expectation, and now I'm on the receiving end of that? Like, shit.

Right. And when and when we're able to give without agenda, it really I think it allows us a diff like, a different kind of experience as opposed to I'm giving, but I'm but I'm what I'm trying to I'm trying to create something, whether it's you being indebted to me, some sort of obligation of some sort. And when you're when you're able to give without that, I think it's a more pleasant, more powerful experience. But but, again, we have to we have to create and it doesn't it doesn't surprise me either that, like, there are moments when, oh, I'm I would love for this person to to reciprocate. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but I think there needs to be awareness around it.

Right. And and clear communication around it. One of the practices that I've been doing to help myself with the alleviation of putting expectations on others is when I give something and I truly do not want anything in return, I kiss it and I say goodbye to it. So if it's a physical item, I will kiss it, say goodbye to it, and just send it off, Right? And that way it's like, I'm not attached to this thing anymore.

I truly just want this person to have it. There are moments, though, that in my life that I catch myself of like, Oh, I gave this person a compliment, oh, and my ego wants a compliment in return. And I catch myself all the time with that hidden, quiet expectation. And so the work becomes, can I communicate that? So if I'm in a giving mode and I also want something returned, can I actually articulate that to that person and put in the request?

Yeah, you've been modeling that, and I think it's really admirable. This, oh, I'm gonna ask for what I want or tell you what I'm wanting. I think it's a really courageous practice. You know, there was this Instagram meme, but, you know, when someone tells you that they like something, oh, I really like that TV show. I really like you know?

It's a real act of courage because I'm oh, I'm gonna I'm gonna share with you a part of me. Right? And I think part of the reason why we maybe don't ask people for what we want or tell them, you know, what we want is is that fear. The ability to ask for what we want is courageous because it's also really vulnerable. There's, like, a recognition of I'm gonna let you know that I have this desire or this need or this you know?

And you may or may not be able to meet me there. It's a real it's a really, like, vulnerable, courageous act. And so I think it's scary. Oh, I want you to know that I want more time with you. I want you to know that I'd like to make out with you.

I want you to know that I wanna go to this thing with you. And you're like, oh, I'm putting myself out there, and then you may or may not meet me in that.

Exactly. And I think there's there's the monitoring of expectation as well on that side. So both on the the giving and the receiving side. So I'm giving information, and I'm hoping to receive in return, right? I'm telling you, I like this thing.

Would you be willing to do this with me or give me this? And so in that case, I'm going to then be the receptive person. And in that, I have to monitor myself that I don't set an expectation on that person that if they don't choose option A, which is to give me what I want, that I don't hold it against them. Yeah. Right?

There's an analogy that this actually happened, at my last corporate job, and the HR, person helping me through the situation was very helpful in creating this analogy for me. So in that case, I had a manager that presented me, two options. And little did I know, she wanted me to go with option A and option B had consequences. And I did not realize that option B had consequences. I thought that she was giving me like, full liberty to choose either.

And what ended up happening afterwards was that I chose option b and she held it against me. And then it did have consequences. And the HR person that I was working with gave me the analogy of, yeah, she presented you with two platters essentially, that had white sheets over them. You didn't realize that option b had a knife under it, and you chose option b. Right?

My my boss was carrying a knife, so that's the expectation. Right? It was a it's a hidden expectation. Oh, I'm gonna on the surface, I'm gonna give you the the, the dignity to choose. You better choose the right one though.

Yeah. So on either side, I think giving or receiving, I think there's a lot of woven in work to be done around expectations and monitoring that as we work through the practices of giving and receiving.

Yeah, I think expectation is a big part of it. And I think we need to practice allowing ourselves to to receive. So, that's part of the the men sharing circle when we get reflection back. The idea is that you get to receive this reflection from a man, who just heard you sharing. And I know that there's this we have this desire to, like, fill the space with words.

And it becomes a really powerful practice to be like, can I just let you appreciate my share? Or can I just hear your experience of what I what I just said without, you know, without being attached to you needing to understand it exactly the way I meant it or you know? And that's the beginning, I think, of this practice of

that awareness. I brought that into sharing circle this week. I think I worked with one man who kept trying to rebut back to a reflection that they were receiving. And I was like, Can you just sit there and receive? And just bringing that little bit of awareness to them.

They didn't realise what they were doing. And then they were like, Oh, yeah. Like, I it was it was uncomfortable to just receive the reflection. So now, like, let me be aware of that and kinda just, like, rest back and and receive.

It's interesting. I think it's built into the life or process of an artist where, you know, you in my case, when I would choreograph, you know, create a piece of dance, I can have all these ideas about, like, what I think it means and and why I'm doing it, and I might have a whole story. But then, ultimately, when it comes time and you put it up and you're either dancing it or, you know, your dancers are dancing it, then you kinda have to let it all go. And if the person next to me has a totally different story in their head about what this dance was about, then that's what the dance was about for them. And there is there there was some sort of practice of, like, I can't get upset if you don't realize that this that this, piece was about something specific because it's whatever it was for you.

Right. And in this case, you're the giver. Like, your gift in this case is this piece of art. You're giving art to the world. And then the receiver then gets to interpret it as they will.

Yeah. And I think we can do that in many ways. It can be a piece of art. It can be a gift. It could be a compliment.

Like, we are not in control of how that person receives it, but we can do our best to, like you said, kind of, like, detach from the expectation of, like, oh, I wanna tell you so badly about, like, what that what that high kick actually means.

Totally. You just said high kick. I gotta I gotta tell the story. I want I went back so I I did my undergrad at NYU for dance, and I went back to watch a concert, a few years later. I can't remember exactly when.

And I saw this one piece. It was, you know, it was a it was a student concert. So I think they probably had somewhere between eight to 12 pieces. And there was this one duet with these two girls, and I I loved it. And I was laughing and laughing.

I'm like because it looked like, to me, as I'm watching this and the way that it was lit and what they were doing, I'm like, oh, it feels like they're, like, kids at a slumber party.

Mhmm.

You know, like, a a slightly more adult version of that. And I'm like, oh my god, just thought this was so great. Laughing, laughing, laughing. And so later, I know I was getting odd looks in the audience, you know. And so later, this other student came up and started asking us questions and she was really fascinated by our reaction.

I'm like, yeah, thought that was so great. It was like these two girls at a slumber party, like, watching TV, scary movies and whatever. And she was like, oh, that's fascinating. And I was like, well, how was it, you know, supposed to like, what what what was the the choreographer hoping? And apparently, they were like it was a very deep a very deep, like, thing, and they did not love that we were laughing.

And I was like, oh. And so when they when they explained it, I'm like, oh, to be honest with you, I I kinda like the funny version better than what you just described.

Yeah.

But it was, you know, but there was an expectation of, like, oh, we're supposed to take this really seriously, and so they did not like my reaction. Whereas I was, I actually really love this. Yeah. But I'm not loving it the way you want me to love it. You want me to be, like, oh, that was really deep about like the, you know, the juxtaposition of the blah blah blah, you know, like Yeah.

And it's like, no, I just thought it was really fun. Right.

I just thought it good. They had high expectations on their gift. They wanted to be received in a certain way.

Yeah. They wanted it to be like heady, like downtown modern dance. Mhmm.

And I was like, this is really fun. That's so funny because that happened to me on retreat over the weekend Oh, yeah? During Sacred Theatre.

Okay.

Like, you you were there, like, you saw I was there. Like, you you saw, like, I was in a moment of, like, I thought was doing something serious and there was laughter, like, coming out from the audience because they were seeing it in a different way. Yeah. Right? And then, like, we had a conversation afterwards about it and I was like, oh, like, there were some people that, like, got my message and then there were some people that did not.

Right? And they they got to experience it their way. And, like, you know, I had a moment that I had to, like, sit with that and, like, work through some stuff. And I was like, you know what? I gave a gift.

Yeah. At that point, I kissed my performance, and I said, this is free for the world to take however they want.

I mean, that's the thing about sacred theater that I really love is, you know, our teacher, Amir, will really talk about thinking about it as an offering, not as a performance. And it is it is very much that. If I think of it like I'm I'm here, like, a an expression, and then you are free to receive it in whatever way you do, so it's an elevated practice because then, as we just said, you may not receive it the way I'm hoping you do.

Yeah, there were some really beautiful moments. I'm just gonna stay on retreat for a second because, that was actually the inspiration for the circles that I led this week and also the theme of this podcast around receptivity and receiving. It came from my experience on retreat and the theme that kept popping up for me was receiving. Because I'm such a giver and you can also call it control freak in a lot of ways. So that, like, as a participant at this retreat, I had a really hard time just receiving.

I had a really hard time just sitting back and allowing leadership, facilitators to have the reins and to allow them to give me their gifts. Their gifts of, hey, we've got the schedule. We've got the container. We've got the practices. Right?

Sit back and receive. Practice. It's a big practice for me because I want to be so involved and I wanna, like, I call it help out, but really the shadowy part is I wanna control.

Yeah. And we have, you know, we have a I still believe we have a perspective that it is better to be giving. Almost as if some some expressions of receptivity, I think I think we sometimes think of as laziness. Mhmm. Like, oh, you're just you're just sitting there.

You're like, you're not doing anything. And aren't we supposed to be constantly doing something? What are you making? What are you doing? What are you like, you know, what value are you adding?

And, you know, in a lot of spiritual personal growth places, they talk about, oh, there is a lot of value in rest, recuperation, stillness. You know? But we don't we don't give it that same importance, and we don't talk about it in that same way. So you're like, oh, am I just am I just lazy? Oh, yeah.

It's interesting. We're talking about retreat. You know, two days after so you and I both have just done two retreats in a row. And on Tuesday, I was exhausted. And I had these plans of, like, all this stuff I was gonna do.

And then I just found myself, like, laying on the couch. And I had the inner narrative of, oh, I'm I'm not being productive right now. I'm lazy. I'm, you know, whatever. And then I had to switch that narrative and say, no.

I actually need rest right now. I've been working really hard, and I I need to be allowing myself this. I need to be I need to receive some downtime. Need to receive some some Nourishment. Nourishment.

But I also had to

practice not having a judgment about that. Oh, I should be doing more. When you give and give and give and give, like, at what moment do you receive? And there is, at some point, there is, like, a reception from, oh, I'm giving and this person is receiving, so now I'm receiving in return because that feels good. Is that enough though if it's also tapping into now the physical as well?

So you emotionally might be receiving in return, but the physical, so that moment of just allowing yourself to rest, to receive, to receive nourishment from, like, the couch, from the television Yeah. From whatever it might be to say, okay. My cup is is empty. And, like, I need to fill it up with a little bit of something right now.

You didn't fill up my cup.

Yeah. You had to fill up your cup.

I mean, it's interesting because they talk a lot about that in men's workspaces. We people will set their intention. What's your intention for someone's practice? Oh, it's to fill my cup, to fill my cup. And I think there's something really beautiful about that because it it goes against this idea of, well, I'm supposed to constantly be giving all the time and more.

Like, more, more, more, more, more. So the practice of receptivity, I think, is a powerful one because I think it really, pushes against the cultural expectation. You know, we talk about this in yoga. I say, you know, the yoga practices, but the the practice of yoga asana, the postures, that every every posture is a combination of effort and grace. Just like everything is yin and yang.

Right? So the same idea. Right? Of, like, it it isn't all effort or it isn't all grace. It has to be, like, a combination of that.

And remembering to give postures that are more receptive, more grace, more, you know, recuperative, the same importance that we give the ones that are more effortful. But in our culture, you're like, well, it's the the full wheel. It's the handstand. It's the split pose. It's the, you know, the the dancer's pose, you know, big fancy things.

And it's like, that that's our culture. Be like, look at look at me. I'm impressive. I'm working hard. Like, this took a long time, blah blah blah.

And we rarely do that same thing for

I am giving this pose the most.

Yeah. Doing the pose the most is right. And, like, and and we and it's it's, I think, a deep, very deep, deep practice to say, can I give my Supta Baddha Konasana? And for those of you who don't know, laying on your back, feet together, knees apart, it's a very receptive, relaxing posture. Can I give it the same importance I'm gonna give, you know, my full wheel?

Also super vulnerable. Like, now we can bring in a little bit of the vulnerability about receiving as well. Yeah. Like, that is a super vulnerable position. My belly's open.

My genitals are open. Like, physically, my throat is open. Right? Like, I'm vulnerable in my receptivity. Yeah.

And so there's also a part of me that has to work through that as well. Like, do I feel safe enough to receive?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think safety is a big thing. And I, you know, I think the vulnerability, you know, I think it's connected to this sort of misogyny, like, the devaluing of, like, a receptive partner, like, specifically, like, in relationships and in sex.

Mhmm. Right? And I think it's because, like, oh, well, we have we have a value judgment on vulnerability, which is, vulnerability is weakness.

Right.

Right? And, we have to kind of rewire that. You know, I I said, okay. I don't know why I'm talking a lot about NYU, but there was this friend of mine. I really loved her named Kirsten.

Have I ever mentioned Kirsten? I might have actually. And I remember one time she was talking I was just over overhearing this conversation. They were talking about sex. And she was like she's like, well, why is it always that, like, the idea is, like, the guy is, like, fucking my vagina?

She's like, why is it, like, why like, and then my vagina's being penetrated. Like, why are we always looking at it like that? She's like, what if what if my vagina is, like, encompassing your penis?

Mhmm.

And I was like, oh, yeah. She and she was like Take your

power, girl.

Yeah. Well, totally. And like I was like, right. And at at the very minimum, like, that's an interesting reframe. Right?

To be like, right. Why is it always like that vagina is getting fucked? It's like, well, what if that vagina is Is feeding. Is to, like, owning you? Yes.

Yeah. What if what if it is, like, devouring you? Mhmm. Right? I loved it.

I just love this idea of, like, oh, there was a reclamation of of power there to be, like, I'm not I'm not a thing you, like, pound at. Yeah. I'm a I'm like an equal I'm an equal member or, like, participant in this in this shared experience. Yeah. And I love that.

I was like, good for you.

I love that. And if we talk about gay sex, right, like anal sex, it's very similar. So many times we see the stereotype of this dom top who's like, I'm gonna wreck that hole, I'm gonna take that hole. Right? It's

like, it's a little cringey.

Well, you just

made a face when you

gonna wreck that hole. Trying to get into character. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Keep going. I'm sorry.

So, like, it's very similar. Like, it is. It's kind of like, Oh, I'm giving, so I'm in the power seat. Right? And you're receiving, so you're in the submissive seat.

Yeah. Right? And it's like, can we reframe that so that it's actually really powerful to, like, receive the other way? I don't really know. Like, I feel like there's so many little nuances here that we

Yeah. You know, it's funny because when I first, like, was starting to wreck like, wrap my head around my own sexual engagement, you know, when I was young and, like, recognizing that I'm gay and, like, what that means, there was all this prejudice against, you know, bottoming. I remember my friend one time, she was like, well, if you are gonna be gay, like, be the be the pitcher, not the catcher because of this inherent you know? And so I feared that for a long time to be like, if I bottom, are you gonna have this, like, feeling about me? Are you gonna have this idea?

You know? But then I never feel that way with partners I'm with. I'm never like, oh, you are somehow, like, weaker or less of less of anything when I'm doing that. But I had a fear that people might think that about me. Isn't that wild?

Yeah. And this is all from this idea of, like, well, this this vulnerable or receptive thing, we have an idea about it. And it's so out of balance.

It truly is. I mean, I I still struggle with that. I struggle with it, like, if I am going to a bottom, it takes me a lot to get into that headset of like, oh, I'm receiving and it doesn't make me weak. Yeah. I'm receiving and it doesn't make me any less of a man.

Right? Like, narrative still exists. And I think it comes along with, like, what does it mean to give and to receive in so many aspects of our lives? It could manifest itself in the form of gift giving and gift receiving. It can also be physical, like in the the physical acts of giving and receiving.

Yeah. And doesn't even have to be penetrative sex. It could be, like, intimate touch. What does it mean to be the person giving the touch versus receiving the touch? I got a massage yesterday, and it's really hard for me to relax in a massage to just receive touch.

Because part of me is like, I I don't feel worthy enough to just receive. Yeah. I think we need to

practice it. I think I think there's this idea that there's always there's gotta be some equalizing, and and I don't I don't think that honors our experience. You know, the the interesting thing is we have a judgment about what it means to receive or be receptive, and simultaneously, we we can't ever give if no one if we are all just like, well, I'm never gonna receive because it feels weak, well, then no one has no one will ever have a chance to give because you need someone to receive in order to give, whatever the thing is. I could I could be offering giving the gift of yoga all I wanted. If no one comes to my class, it's hard for me to give it.

I need people to come to it. Right? And and, you know, and this is why, when I was on the retreat, because I'm so often in leadership where I am structure and and and leading and giving and whatever, it is it was so powerful to be like, that isn't my job this time. I get to just receive. I get to go where they tell me and engage in the practices as they as they've created, and I get to have that experience.

I get to receive the experience, and I get to open myself up to the possibility of that experience. And

there was such value in it. Did anything come alive inside of you throughout that? Like, throughout that that experience not being a facilitator, of just being a participant. You got to receive some nourishment, but along that way, like, what came alive?

What do you mean? Like, I I got a lot of value.

You got a lot of value? Was it did you immediately drop into just receiving? Or were there any moments that there was, like, a struggle to, like, step back, to, like, not be in that leadership mode? Like I How easy was it to just receive?

I think it was pretty easy for me, but I don't know that that would have always been true. I think it might have I think it might have been easy for me now because I have been practicing that. And and I think I've had a lot of different things in my life that have that have reaffirmed the the equal importance of both things. So the example I wanna use when I've learned, like, partner dancing, whether it's, like, the West Coast Swing or, you know, the cha cha or, you know, whatever. There is when you're doing that dance, there's a lead and there's a follow.

Right? So someone is someone is giving the signals and someone is receiving those signals and, like and then, you know, following along. And in order to be a good lead, they often practice following. In order to be a good follow, you often practice leading. So you start you know?

And then you're like, oh, they they they both exist simultaneously. And so through dance, through men's work, through yoga, I think that I've had these opportunities. So I was and I trusted the container. So I feel like I was able to relax into just be a participant. But I I would argue that that's, the culmination of years of practice where previously it might have been, oh, I need to be I need to be making decisions here or busier than I am or, you know.

It was my experience on the second retreat was like, oh, this is my work this weekend. Yeah. And like, because we were at the same retreat centre as we had been when I first facilitated and when I was helping to run the show. And going back to that place and not being in that, I was like, Oh, dear. There were moments that I had to fully step away where I was like, I don't know.

I can't just sit. I've hit my edge. I've hit And I need to just back away and, like, actually go sit with this for a moment. You know? I felt like

I saw you relaxing into just being a participant, though.

Did you? Most of the time. Yeah. Sometimes. And then there were other times, like fire alarm, where I was like, having a really hard time.

Sure. Sure. Sure. I hear that. Yeah.

So we talked about gift giving, gesture giving, about, intimate touch. One of the things that I noticed that was also an inspiration for the circles in this podcast was compliments. I mean, we kind of approached it a little bit. But one of the stories that really kicked off this whole thing for me was I was sitting with, a brother on retreat, and we were hanging out during downtime. I was just going over to him, And I just, like, I just wanted to offer him a compliment about, like, how he was showing up.

And it was almost instantly that he turned it around back to me. Didn't even take a moment to, like, acknowledge that I had complimented him. He just, like, turned it back. He said, and you're also showing up great too. And I had to pause him.

I was like, woah, woah, woah. Like, I just gave you a compliment. Like, can you just receive it? Can you just, like, rest in it for a moment? And he had never realized that that would that's what he was doing.

And he's like, I've been doing this most of my life. Like, I just can't receive. And then a couple days later, I said another compliment to him, and he said, thank you. And he had a moment where he's like, did you

see what I just did there?

And I was like, yes. You just, like, received. And then he returned a compliment to me. But it was, like, a really beautiful practice to, like, to see somebody actually be able to shift from this, like, this almost, like, icky or unworthy feeling of, like, oh, I can't have the attention on me. I can't receive a compliment.

I can't, like, anything. It's, I'm not worthy of it or I don't deserve it or I can't have the spotlight on me, so I instantly have to, like, push it back. I have to push it back the other way.

Or or it in your own mind or in your heart changes the power dynamic, which is what we're trying to chip away at. But this idea of, like, well, if you're the if you just received a compliment, like, does that does that feel like a power dynamic for you? And, like, oh, am I gonna am I gonna jump in to even the score? Like, well, we each received a a compliment. We each gave one So now

I don't owe anything.

So no. I don't owe anything, and and we're even. We're even in, like, our our understanding of our own power and place.

Oh, interesting.

Do know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. So rather than, oh, you just gave me a compliment, and I'm just receiving it. It's, a kind of a vulnerable thing.

Right.

And so, oh, I that if I'm that feels vulnerable, I equate vulnerability with weakness. I need to, like, course correct. You look good too. Yeah. Yeah.

That was a close one.

Uh-huh. I took my armor off for a millisecond. That's a really great point that, like, does it open us up to vulnerability to just receive in any capacity? Like, being receptive is vulnerable. Yeah.

And it could be in receiving a compliment, it could be in receiving a gift, it could be in receiving touch, it could be in receiving an act of service. It is a super vulnerable position. Respond to that, I think, does have a lot to do with this inherent societal misunderstanding of the weakness of vulnerability. And if we can allow ourselves to simply receive, to take it all in, how we might really be able to fill our cups and really nourish ourselves.

How we might be able to show up more fully if we gave it the same importance. I give it the same importance. I give resting the same importance as I give going to the gym. You know? I give I give moments of quiet the same importance as moments of communication.

How we might how much better we might be.

How can we reframe? You started this episode off with the the adage of it is better to give than receive. And, like, how can we begin to reframe that? How can we come up with a new adage that, like, it is just as great to give as it is to receive?

Yeah. I mean, are we gonna brainstorm it right now?

It's a it's a challenge for anyone listening. Right?

I mean, I think I think the recognition of in order for in order for one, there must be both. You know? In order for one, there must be both. So they they are they are equally they are equally important. And then I would argue that it really becomes about balance.

If you are a person who, a large part of your life, you're just a taker. Well, that's probably not super imbalanced and won't won't have a lot of longevity if the same is true, like, oh, I just give and give and give. These are people we we've seen this personality type. I give and I give and I give until I get resentful and burnt out and then I and then I completely collapse. Well, that's not helping anybody.

Or it might be helping individual people that, like, are fortunate enough to get the one thing or the other thing. But in the long run, it's like, no. That's you know? And so this honoring of the whole idea and balance, you know, with the the tai chi, the yin yang symbol. Right?

It's white and black with the dots. Right? And we could have a judgment about, like, oh, well, the the dark one is darkness. It's bad. Like, you know, we we wanna be all light and no you're like, no.

No. No. You absolutely need both. You absolutely need both. Everything has both.

And we so, like, that value of, like, if if in order to give, you must receive.

Yeah. And I think honoring as well of, like, how do you receive? Love languages, right? Like not everyone has the same love language and not everyone receives in the same way. One person might be words of affirmation, one person might be gifts, somebody might be acts of service, and somebody might be quality time, right, or physical touch.

And I think it's in recognizing and honoring how it is that we most receive, right, because I think we can receive in all the ways we can probably practice in receiving, you know, in all the ways we can experience love. Honoring though, like, what is it that fills me up the most? Like, how do I receive love the most? And then being able to have that conversation with our intimate circles to be able to to recognize that, like, oh, I may default to being a gift giver, but if that's not how this person receives love, then I'm just I'm just giving for my own selfish reasons. I'm not giving freely to support that person.

Well, I think it's a process. Right? Because, you know, in the beginning, I suspect, like, well intended people, and I've done this too, I'm gonna give you the the thing that I would want. Mhmm. It makes a lot of sense.

Especially if you don't really know

someone That's what you're familiar with.

Oh, like, I would really in this moment, I would really want words of affirmation, so I'm gonna offer you words of affirmation. But the more we get to know each other, it becomes this elevated practice of, now now how is it that they want it or tend to tend to receive most fully? And then practicing that shift. Be like, oh, well, I wouldn't want a gift here, but that's what they want. Mhmm.

That's the way that they're gonna appreciate this or value this. Right? And so, you know, that's a it's an elevated practice.

It's what's gonna in their receiving, that's what will fill them up the most. Mhmm. I think we've covered a lot of ground around topic of receptivity. It's pretty complicated. Like, I started this off by saying, like, on the surface, like, just to receive seems simple enough, but there's a lot of nuance layers to it.

And especially different types of people, different types of receiving, not everyone receives the same way. Are there expectations involved? Is there obligation? Are things ever truly freely given? Mhmm.

So, yeah, there's a there's a lot to unpack there. I think we've covered quite a bit of ground.

Yeah. I think I think we did too. Yeah.

Is there anything else you'd like to add?

I I believe it should be a practice. And I think this first step in that practice is becoming aware of moments in your life where you do or could receive, whether that's can I receive a compliment from a family member or friend? Can I receive some rest and downtime? Can I can I receive that from myself maybe? Right?

But just before before we can start to really practice it, we have to become aware of it in our life and how little or or much there is. Actually, it

just made me think of one last thing, like another practice, right, is like just receiving the breath. The gift of breath that's in this world and the ability of this body to be able to receive it, like just breathing. Mhmm. I can receive so much by just breathing. Mhmm.

It's also a practice. Yeah. Mhmm. Absolutely. Alright.

Well, I feel complete. As do I. Can you take us out, please?

I will. Closing down our eyes, just paying attention to the breath. It is with deep appreciation and gratitude for any insights, awarenesses that we may have gained in this sacred space that we now release the archetypes and the spirits that we called in. And with these words, our containers open but not broken. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.