Embracing Discomfort: Transforming Limiting Beliefs Through Patience and Discipline

Welcome back to The Circle. Today, we're getting comfortable getting a little uncomfortable. We're exploring what it means to sit with discomfort, especially as it relates to challenging our limiting beliefs with new world views. Tim, are you ready to go all in?

I'm ready.

Alright. Let's go. Tim, over the last two weeks, we've explored limiting beliefs and the discomfort that comes with challenging them. What stood out to you the most in the circles that you led over the last two weeks, and what were there any moments that really hit home for you?

A lot of them. The thing that stood out to me the most was when we identified our limiting belief, any one of us in the circle, and we tried to create the new occurring worldview, the the positive reframe, the uplifted version of it, like, the opposite, the most common thing that I heard was, well, that doesn't feel good and I don't believe it. And that was a thing that I could relate to, but then I realized, oh, but there's a teaching in, well, you're not probably going to believe it right away. Now first of all, wouldn't it be great if we could? To be like, oh, I've always thought I'm not good enough, and then I'm good enough.

Magic wand.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I exactly. And so it was this idea that you're gonna have to work with it, and it's gonna be uncomfortable.

Kind of a fake it till you make it situation where I have to come back over and over and over again and see how it feels. And then being open to the possibility that it might need to shift or morph a little bit until it actually kinda starts to fit. But the initial feeling, well, it's fake, not real, uncomfortable, feels like a lie, and so I immediately want to abandon it, stood out to me. Because I'm like, oh, that's part of our messaging that the practice is gonna be sticking with it for a while. We won't even know how it how it's doing until we give it some time, which is true for so many things.

You think about a workout regimen. I want to lose weight. I wanna get bigger biceps. Whatever the thing is, and you you can't expect that after one workout, everything is what you wanted. That's not how it works.

And this is the same idea. That's what stood out to me because I think we need a context for the journey, the process, and that part of it will feel maybe a little fake or put on until it doesn't.

Yeah. There's a lot of discomfort in being patient and being disciplined. So my journey over the last three weeks as we've been exploring this topic pretty deeply, not just in the men's embodiment circles here in Provincetown, but also in the men's work intensive that I'm a part of right now, have been very uncomfortable for me. And a part of it has been exactly what you're talking about, this almost like like, preconceived notion that I have being a, you know, a child of the nineties of, like, instant gratification. Right?

Like, I'm playing the video game and I want the level up. Like, I want it to, like, happen immediately. And I, you know, am struggling with some of the reframed beliefs because I'm like, Ah, they're not working. I tried them on. They fit really good, but, like, why aren't they doing their magic?

And then I have to sit and I have to rest with, like, Oh, right. This requires discipline. This requires patience just like my fitness journey. Right? Like, I didn't lose 70 pounds overnight.

Right.

I lost 70 pounds over the a year and a half.

And you probably needed to see the first five to then be like, oh, I did the first five. I can do five more. I can so this brings me to, a topic, I think I've spoken about it already, about The Secret. We talked about The Secret, the that that movie and that book about the law of attraction. Right?

And I can't tell you how many people I know that have read that book or watched that documentary or or both that thought to themselves, oh, well, I have to visualize a check for a million dollars, and then it's gonna come to me. And, like, in the in the the movie, they talk about, I visualize this, like, this feather of this bird, and the exact feather, like, manifested in front of me. You know? That's all great, and I'm not suggesting that it didn't happen. But I know it didn't happen because you thought about it once.

Right.

Full stop. Or or if you did think about it once, it's because you've been working with this, practice and idea for decades, and now you're so good at manifesting that maybe you thought about it once. But the truth is, you want that check for a million dollars? You can't ask one time. You have to ask over and over and over.

Through repetition, the magic arises. This is what Sharon Gannon of Jiva Mukti Yoga, the cofounder of Jiva Mukti Yoga, the method or the lineage in which I am trained, would say that through repetition the magic arises. So you have to do it over and over and over. And we live in a culture where I want to get the prescription and take the pill and be thin or I want, you know, to immediately be without pain, and I get it. I want that too.

But I think the teachings are telling us, no. You have to come back again and again and again over and over and over. And making that okay and saying it's okay to be uncomfortable right now. This belief may not feel like it's totally right for you, but the way you're gonna find out the belief that is right for you is through the practice of trying them on. You're never gonna find it out by just not thinking it because

it's uncomfortable. Mhmm. And something that I'm also hearing is, like, kind of this discernment between recognizing what is uncomfortable and something that I can, bring discipline and practice to to, like, work through and beyond while also having the discernment of figuring out, like, oh, maybe that thing needs to shift or change a little bit. So in the the context of new world views, right, like, I've tried on a couple. So, for the folks listening, I have a couple limiting beliefs that I'm working through.

The primary one is that I don't matter, that I'm gonna, be left behind, that I'm gonna be forgotten, that I'm not important. So all these things that, like, the back of my hand is just, like, just constantly on repeat telling myself. And so I'm reframing it.

But the reframed the reframed version is from the the very crisp I don't matter.

Yes. Okay. Right.

So from I don't matter, you went to?

That I'm worth fighting for. And I tried that on for a little bit, and I said, okay. Like, this this kinda feels okay, but still feels a little uncomfortable. And I had to sit with the uncomfortableness of, like, is it because it doesn't fit? And then I I have to, like, wiggle it and, like, break it in a little bit, or is it because it's not the one?

And so I've also tried as simple as I am important. I matter. Right? As just trying to figure out, like, can I sharpen it up a little bit and, like, make it a little more specific that way? And, you know, those those have also been a little uncomfortable.

And then I've also just, like, played around with the idea of, like, moving away from, like, I am statements and played around with, like, you know, life in general. Right? Like, I've I've made my life so hard with these limiting beliefs. So let me try something out. Life is easy.

Let me just tell myself life is easy. Instead of telling myself every day that life is hard because I have all of these limiting beliefs that are keeping me down, let me try reframing it to life is easy.

Well, how did it feel?

That one is starting to feel comfortable.

How long did it take for it to start to feel comfortable?

Immediately. As soon as it happened. And that's that's, again, the the the trick that I'm or the discernment that I'm talking about is, like, was I running away from the discomfort of these other limiting beliefs because they felt like they didn't feel good? And I was, like, trying to search for that pill, that magic pill that was gonna make me feel good instantly.

Mhmm.

Right? Like, did I lack discipline, or was I being truthful to myself? It's like, no. There's I'm gonna listen to this discomfort and actually try to find something else over here. And so that's kind of been my journey is, like, what what do I want to sit with and consciously choosing what do I want to sit with versus what might I want to explore.

Well, the I think the important thing that you mentioned was that you recognized there was a discomfort in your original occurring new occurring worldview, and you continue to work with it until something else bubbled up Yes. As opposed to it doesn't feel good, so it doesn't work, and I'm done with it. That, I think, whatever whatever that is is the important component. Well, you keep working until another thing pops up, another option, you know, arises, and then you start to, like, try that one on. So it's a continual process.

Right. Like, I didn't give up on the practice. Right. Right? Yeah.

I'm I'm trying different techniques within the practice, and I'm trying different things on within the practice, but I because I still have faith. I still believe that what I'm doing is for my greater good.

Mhmm.

And so I still believe in the practice itself, and I didn't give up on the practice. I didn't say, I'm done with these new world views. I'm gonna take down all of my index cards. And that's part of the the work is, like, through this exercise, writing down these new world views and placing them up on mirrors and strategically throughout my apartment and kind of, like, confronting myself and confronting the discomfort, on a daily basis, on a regular basis. So every time I go up and down the stairs, I have them, like, taped up there.

And so that's kind of been like, I'm not going through the house and, like, removing all of them, but I'm going through and I'm adjusting them. And I'm saying, okay, that one like, I've sat with that one for a couple days. It's still feeling a little uncomfortable. So let me, like, tune in to myself. Why does it feel uncomfortable?

Is it because I'm uncomfortable in this process, or is it because it isn't the one right now?

Well, a really big component of men's work is the ability and the willingness to have a relationship with the things in your life that make you uncomfortable, especially if those things matter to you and you care about them and you you don't necessarily want to abandon everything that challenges you. And so we start to create this relationship where can I stick with a with something that's uncomfortable long enough to allow their space for transformation? If you think about a relationship, for example, every relationship I've ever been in, there's always been a moment when, oh, there's a tough conversation, an insight that is needed, an apology, or, you know, even with the best of intentions, sometimes it can go a little awry. And imagine if we just walked away from it because it's uncomfortable. Like, no.

You don't. You need the ability to stick with it, to speak your truth, to hear another truth, to own what is yours and take responsibility, and do repair work. If we don't have the capacity to be a little uncomfortable, we will run from one thing to the next. And generally, we'll run from one problem to the next problem to the next problem because eventually they will come. And developing the skill set to meet that and to stay in it without crumbling is, I think, a main thrust of men's work and why we do it.

It's it's work that I'm deeply appreciating now because I I do have a tendency to avoid. I do have a tendency to run in this process alone. I've shared this with you, and I'll share with all of you that, like, during this process, like, I've I've felt myself starting to to to crumble in certain parts of my life and and starting to really, look for the exit. Right? Like, burn it all down, run away.

Right? Because I'm sitting in the discomfort. I'm sitting in pain and, like, I'm like, things are coming up, and my my default programming has been run away. Like restart, reset. So, like, part of it is like, I was, like, I'm in the process of closing down my shop here in Provincetown, and I was getting so overwhelmed.

And a big part of me was like, throw everything in the trash. Destroy everything. Bring it to the dump. Like, remove all traces so that I don't have to deal with the pain of my failure. You don't have to sit there and go through the memories of all the experiences that I've had, the good, the bad.

Right? Like, that was a big part. I was like, that was my avoidant personality coming through hardcore where I was like, oh, it's uncomfortable or I'm going to experience discomfort while doing this process. Well, let me try to find the easy way out. Let me find the exit that is gonna cause me the least amount of harm.

But what that is gonna do is exactly what you said. It's going to lead me to another problem. I cannot keep running away from these things. And so I sat with it, y'all. I, like, I sat with it, and I, like, actually sat in the shop the other day.

And I, like, categorized and inventoried and, like, like, organized things nicely. And I took photos of them, and I put them up on the community space, up on the Facebook marketplace. And I have some buyers or some prospective people that are interested in, like, like, wanting these things that could, like, help them out and help me out as well to, like, find that closure and having the discipline to, like, sit within and stick to it.

Thank you for sharing that. I would like for us to all reflect in this moment on the majority of the people in our lives in the world that we admire. Often, like, my favorite example is, of course, always an Olympian. Right? But even successful people in business and, you know, what these people have in common is their ability to live in and work with a discomfort.

And now there are so many kinds of discomfort. So we're not just talking about physical discomfort, but emotional and intellectual, financial, like, you know, circumstantial, all kinds of discomfort, but the willingness to work through it generally in pursuit of a purpose. So when we think about the Olympian, my favorite example, it's so easy for us to idolize and admire the gold medalist, and that that person gets to step up onto the podium. They get the medal and the flower. They get the flag and the anthem.

They get that moment. And that moment, as I've observed it, you know, lasts, you know, two or three minutes for the the ceremony. And let's let's say that they get a week or two of of, like, walking around the Olympic Village feeling amazing. You know? But what it took, all the times that they didn't sleep in, all the times that they made dietary choices or, you know, jumped to the pool or went to the gym when they were tired, all the all the parties that they missed, you know, and we have to remember, oh, that is part of what got them there.

And so when we see that, we realize if we could create a relationship with our own discomfort and a relationship with our own edges so that we become clear about when we are choosing or not choosing something versus running or hiding, I think we're gonna live a more empowered life.

The the perseverance of an athlete like that, of an Olympian, that that's the word that kept coming up to me as I was hearing you talk about that was perseverance in pursuit of passion or purpose. Right? Like, something that, like, keeps going. So even if the the ceremony, even if the celebration is only two minutes long, that impact of that moment is going to compound for the next challenge that comes up. Like, it's still gonna be, like, in that person's, like, core.

Right? Like, oh, I did all of that. Right? I have proved that I am strong, and I can do hard things. Like, what happens when the next thing comes up?

Right? And in in the case of an Olympian, maybe it's not something physical. Maybe it's something emotional or mental. Right? That that that's the, like, the thing that, like, could be, like, a really big challenge for them.

Maybe something physical is, like, an easier thing for them. Right? Maybe something comes up, but that they can bring that that that practice, they could bring that experience. It's in their body now, right, of that perseverance. I know what it's like to persevere through something.

I think it's likely that a person who has persevered through discomfort in one area of their life can apply at least part of that to a different area

of their life. Absolutely. It's it's been coming up for me as I've, like, been working through this and, like, working through some physical discomfort recently. And I'm like, you know, I I know that, like, I have, like, an intellectual resiliency. Working on my emotional resiliency and my feelings resiliency, but my physical resiliency, you know, has been a challenge for most of my life.

And it has been through recognizing that I have persevered through so many other things that I can bring that loving attention to, like, a physical practice that may, you know, cause me to crumble.

Right? And so in men's work, we very consciously put ourselves in these moments of challenge near our edge physically, emotionally, with breath and, you know, all kinds of tools and instruments, to get greater clarity about our relationship with it. Now I'm curious, there's a lot of queer people who I would argue are very familiar with discomfort, discomfort from a lot of levels and a lot of places. And so, what would you say about taking that experience, whatever it might be, and, reframing it or or or turning it so that it can become a practice and a power and a source of and a source of authentic expression?

I'll just speak from my own experience. Like, it is me recognizing that I am stronger than I know. I am stronger than I have given myself credit for. I am stronger than other people have given me credit for. And, like, the moments of discomfort in the past have I've been a runawayer.

I've been a quitter. I said this the other day in circle, like, I'm a quitter. I am somebody that will, like, will give up very quickly, especially physically, right? If I was asked to do pushups and do like two pushups and then all of a sudden I'd start getting uncomfortable and I'd be like, can't do it, done, right? Even though I'm sure if I had applied myself a little bit more, I could have gotten to number three, maybe even four.

And I've proven to myself over and over and over again that I could actually this summer, I gave myself a challenge. It was a pull up challenge. I'd never been able to do a pull up growing up. I grew up. I was a very overweight kid, did not enjoy physical activity at all.

Right? I'm definitely like Newton's law of motion. Right? Like an object at rest stays at rest. Right?

Like, I was that's where I was. Like, I was very comfortable being at rest. And so I was working through some things this summer, and one of my challenges to myself was like, I wanna see if I could do a pull up. First one, couldn't do it. Couldn't even, like, like, could barely, like, like, do an inch.

But I went back every day. I was doing them down at the beach at a dock where I could, like, like, jump up and, like, grab onto a two by four and, like, see if I could, like, pull myself up. So me and my dog would go on the beach, and I would, like, challenge myself. And I did this every morning for a month. By the end of the month, I was doing over 10 pull ups.

And I was so happy with my progress and so happy with myself because I was stronger than I gave myself credit for. And I sat with it and I tried. And, like, it was so uncomfortable at first. And, like, I can apply that to so many areas of my life of, like, being so uncomfortable in so many situations and, like, just reminding myself that I'm stronger or I have the cape capability if I apply. If I truly want something, then I have I have the means within me to, like, work through the discomfort because I know that on the other side is something that I could be super proud of and, you know, happy with.

And it occurs to me that an understanding that most of us experience discomfort and have this process and a desire to run away from it and, could be comforting for people who are in severe discomfort and don't know what to do or maybe don't have resource. So I'm thinking a lot of like queer people who might have to leave their homes or change their lives, in order to be who they are. And just knowing that you're not entirely alone feels like one step. But then allowing a person the space to claim and discuss their discomfort and what is happening for them feels like another important step. So hopefully, that's part of the the process to be like, you're allowed to be uncomfortable, and you're allowed to tell people you're uncomfortable and ask for help.

And the more we are aware of the discomfort that we have persevered through, likely the more empathy will bring to a person going through what we once went through. So the kind of bringing to our community a conversation about this, especially in this moment when there might be a lot more discomfort coming.

And I love that of, like, just sharing openly that, like, it's okay to experience discomfort. We all experience discomfort. And I think, you know, the severity of situation aside, like, I think just being able to relate that, like, oh, you've gone through something challenging and you sat through it. Like, that may give me a little bit of of, like, ease to understand that, like, oh, like, this person has something in common with me. And I also think about, like, even the athlete.

Like, I typically don't look at an Olympian or or somebody with that level of of empathy that, like, oh, they've gone through a bunch of things of uncomfort or discomfort, right, to make it through that. I'm like, oh, they were, like, naturally gifted, and, like, they have an entire team behind them. And I think of all these negative things that I can tell myself about it. And I don't actually think about the times that they've experienced discomfort because many times, at least for me growing up, those superstars didn't reveal that. Right?

Right. And so I

I We live in a culture where we want our heroes to be Superman. We want them to, you know, be impenetrable and just shining and and, like, you know, unaffected by the lowly things of pain and struggle. But the truth is

They do.

They had to that's how they got there.

Yeah. And I think, like, just me now, like, processing that, like, realizing that, like, I start to build that a little bit more, like, empathy and, like, appreciation for that effort. Right? Like, just because, you know, somebody hasn't expressed that they had a bunch of moments of discomfort, I can imagine that they probably have. Right?

And I and I hope like, it would be my hope that we can all just express when we are going through a little discomfort a little bit more frequently. And I think because it gives motivation. It gives like, it inspires me to be like like, oh, like, that person didn't get there. That person didn't just, like, magically, like, be the best. That person didn't magically be the best athlete or the most spiritual enlightened person.

Right? It took time, and it took discipline, and it took an insane amount of of time sitting in discomfort.

It also took and this is the point I like to drill home for everyone doing embodiment practice and yoga practice and personal growth practice, it required those bad days. It required the bad practices. And so we just had someone last night talking about, their experience in the circle and how transformative it was, and I think anyone who's ever meditated, has had that sit or a few sits where you're like, woah. Like, that was amazing. The time flew by.

I was, you know, deeply connected or it felt good somehow. But there are so many other ones that are tricky or challenging or you're like, I don't wanna do it or this is hard, or I feel that droplet of sweat. Or but in my yoga training, there was there was this ant crawling on me, and I was gonna go crazy. I was like, oh my god. But so much value in persevering through those moments.

And so I think almost every time in circle, I will say, like, I'm really glad you had a great, delicious, beautiful experience. They're so important because they will nourish us and encourage us to keep going. But you're gonna have to remember it in that moment when you're like, ugh, that one was rough. Yeah. I didn't wanna do it, or I didn't like it, or I was tired, or, you know, because there's value in that too.

Absolutely. And when I think about my training as a dancer, all of the ballet classes I took and all of the modern dance classes I took and the partnering classes, and I would have classes where I'm like, I feel amazing. I feel great. I'm gonna be a star. And then so many others where you're like, I feel terrible.

I don't you know? And I think I saw this somewhere, like, the law of thirds, where if a third of the time you're feeling great, and a third of the time you feel kind of middle, and a third of the time you're feeling bad, then you're pretty much on track because it's it is unreasonable to think that in any process, in pursuit of something we care deeply about, we're gonna feel great all the time. Mhmm. Because growth doesn't really work like that. Something's coming up for you.

Yeah. Yeah. What's coming up? It's

beautifully said. I I think I'm just realizing now in this moment that, like, I've either had so many expectations to, like, want my life to to be, like, 90% good.

Right?

And, like, I've pushed away and and avoided the neutral and the uncomfortable or my life has been full of uncomfortable moments that I can't see the light at the end. And it's like, it's just the, like, the beautiful reminder that, like, yeah, life is a balance, and it's okay to not be okay. And it's okay to be okay, and it's okay to be good. And, like, it's just like the way that you said it just it just hit me, and I was like, oh, yeah. You can relax there.

It's it's okay to not be okay. You know? And then if it happens more than a third of the time, maybe then ask for a little bit of help.

Like Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think this is really built into the concept of contentment, contentment as this idea of, you know, a high achieved state because contentment doesn't mean that you don't have challenges, doesn't mean you don't have responsibility, or that you don't have to wake up earlier than you want sometimes or any of that. But it's this sort of overarching sense of, like, of awareness of what is happening and, and why it's happening, and there's a sweetness to it that is grounded in reality. Oh, I have to wake up at 05:30 this morning, and I would love to sleep until seven, but I you have this aware you know?

So I can still have contentment even when I am having to work hard or do something a little uncomfortable. And then I can still have moments of incredible sweetness, and maybe even sweeter because they are juxtaposed to the moment that was a little more challenging. I just keep thinking right now, my Tuesday mornings are the morning I don't have to wake up. And every other morning, I wake up pretty early, but sometimes, like, earlier than others, and sometimes it's a little uncomfortable. But, I don't wake up on those mornings in a bad mood.

I'm not angry about it. I have a contentment around it. But then on Tuesday, there's a sweetness where I I have no alarm set. Mhmm. And I know when I wake up, I have my morning routine, but there's a cold brew waiting for me, and don't have to hurry.

It's that. It's not that I don't have stuff to do later that day or that it won't be hard. Contentment. Yeah.

Really sweet, delicious. Just Cold brew? On hurry. An on hurry cold brew.

So yummy.

A just leisurely morning. Yeah. It's it's sometimes the sweetness, and it can be, you know, the reward.

But I think so the whole reason I brought that up is I think that contentment comes with a recognition that there will be times when it is challenging. There will be times where it feels kinda neutral, and there will be times when it feels not good. And if what I think is that I should only ever exist in the third of the time where it feels good to great, then I will be disappointed when it doesn't feel good to great all the time. But if I recognize, oh, I'm existing in the spectrum, and there will be days where it feels better and other days where it won't, then I can then I can celebrate the small victories. I can celebrate the moment that I went to the gym and did a workout even if it wasn't the greatest workout I've ever done because it was better than no workout.

Right? I can search it, and and I've seen this in my clients, and I'll I'll remind them, like, I'm glad you had a great workout, but yesterday's was great too. Even though you didn't you're not having the same experience, and we start to think of things in this broader view. So this idea of being comfortable with discomfort, but then also celebrating it. Celebrating a little bit of discomfort because, oh, it's from growth.

Like, this discomfort is pre is propelling me towards truth and understanding. Otherwise, I could just maybe stay where I'm at.

It was a the beautiful moment from circle last night was that reminder of, like, we, Tim closed practice last night with, like, that invitation to, like, celebrate ourselves for making it through for, like, sitting through discomfort through several challenging practices. And it was a really beautiful exercise. And, you know, your Tuesday morning routine also sounds like that. It's a celebration. Right?

And, like, I am guilty of this. I do not celebrate nearly enough. I am a go go go type of person, and I'm always onto the next. And I think just taking even if it's just that two minutes of you know, the the Olympics celebration is only two minutes at the podium. Right?

Just taking it, celebrating it in in whatever it is that I've persevered through. Right? Like Yeah. I think we'll we'll go a long way for for a while.

And let's make it less grand because most of us are not gonna get that Olympic moment, but we can take a second to celebrate. Oh, I went to the gym, and going to the gym is hard for me. Or, like, for me, I'm not, like, a home, like like, do it yourself kind of person.

No DIY from Tim here.

I mean, I would like to get better at it, and I you know? But I'm not great at it now. And Don't But but, like, my life circumstance right now is such that I have to try to figure out solutions. And so I found a solution yesterday. If I were to tell you all that's watching or listening what the solution is, it would feel fairly unimpressive.

But, oh, okay. I wanna hear it. Let's celebrate.

Let's celebrate it.

There was this key and a lock, and the key broke off of the lock. And I was like, I have to I have to get that broken key out of the lock, and I don't know how to do that. And so I had to try to figure out how to do it. Mhmm. Like, I got every tweezer in my house.

I was like, I was trying a whole bunch of stuff. I was really uncomfortable because I'm like, oh, should I know how to do this? Should I know who to call? How much does it cost to have someone do this? But then I figured it out.

I did have the help of a friend, but I figured it out. And then I I said, okay. I there was a thing I didn't know how to do. Mhmm. And I used my skills and figured it out.

I can celebrate that.

Absolutely.

And now maybe I'll be more prone to figuring more things out Mhmm. Which, you know, I'm gonna have plenty to figure out, in the coming weeks and months. And, and reminding myself that it is possible helps.

Mhmm.

So it's part of the practice. And so we talk about this in yoga. Part of the yoga practice, there's a sutra, Stila Sukham Asana, we've talked about this. The connection to the earth should be steady and joyful, and so part of the practice of yoga asana is practicing steadiness and practicing joyfulness. People will forget that.

We are supposed to practice joyfulness. I believe we're supposed to practice contentment, and we're supposed to practice celebration in conjunction with practicing our relationship to discomfort so that in real life, you know, we're in an embodiment circle and we're all in chi generator, and it's challenging. Well, that chi generator is helping us create a relationship with discomfort so that when I'm going through a divorce and whatever comes up there or I have a deadline at work and whatever comes up there or, you know, whatever, I am with context on how I am in those moments. Because I can't none none of us could ever control how other people are in those moments, but there's power in knowing how you are. Oh, so what do you need?

In order for me to I've been here before. I've been in discomfort before and I know what my triggers are or what my habits are. So what do I need? Oh, do I need to take a five minute break? Do I need to call my friend?

Do I need a glass of water? Do I need to go into the bathroom and shake? Do I need like, what what do I need? And so when I talk to people about doing the practice, it's for that reason because the alternative because the thing is embodiment circles can be uncomfortable. They will bring us to our edge.

And so sometimes people are, like, hesitant to do it a little bit like a detox where I do a detox and sometimes initially you feel worse before you feel better. They're like, well, I'm starting to feel bad. I don't wanna do this anymore. Like, but the alternative is you are playing craps with your life, and every every interaction you have is a roll of the dice. And probably like the rule of thirds.

Occasionally that dice roll will be, you know, medium, and occasionally it'll be amazing and congratulations, but sometimes it's gonna be really bad. So rather than having it, like, up to chance, what if you had some tools? What if you had some practices and some things you could do so that you could be more content? That's why we do this work.

And thank you, for sharing about your example with, like, solving the key problem.

I was so embarrassed. It's congratulations. I mean, that's it.

It's a big

Thank you. The key is out, and the and the lock works.

Alright. Wait. So, like, it actually reminds me, like, I had an uncomfortable moment the other day. We were doing a yoga practice.

You and I?

You and I.

Okay.

And my yoga strap came, like, kinda done because I was using it, my yoga mat strap. So, like,

it It was not to be clear for the listeners, you were using the strap to carry your yoga mat, which is not a yoga strap.

Yeah. Yeah. It it's a it's

a It's like over the shoulder. It's like it's like a carry harness.

It's like it's like a shoelace with plastic clips. It's it's not glove.

It is not a yoga strap. Yep.

It is something that I use to carry the yoga mat around. And I was using it as a yoga strap, and I was using it to stretch. And I, I love that you what I

Straighten your legs right here as you yeah.

Yeah. What I thought was, like, as I was doing it, I was, like, trying to bend over. And, like, it broke. It snaps. And I was like, oh, crap.

Like, how am I gonna like, all these things. So, like, after we finished our practice, I, like, sat there, and I was like, I was trying to fix it. Mhmm.

And I

was giving myself because my instinct was throw it away. Run away.

Mhmm.

Abandon. Yeah. Right? Exit lever. Like, so much so much of my history has been like, throw it away, start over.

Right? Oh, I'll just go find another shoestring to, like, use. It's fine. And so that was my default, but I was like, no. Sit with it.

Try to fix it. And so I tried a couple of times and even told you, I was like, I'm gonna give myself two more times before I hand this over to you. And I tried two more times and then I had the humility to say, Tim, I cannot figure this out. Can you help me? And then I handed it over to you, and you tried a couple times, and you're like, well, okay.

Like, let me try to figure this out. And then you grabbed a tool, you grabbed a fork, and you, like, poked it through and, like, it ended up working. And, like, we saved the the yoga strap that's not actually a yoga strap. Right? But it was just, like, an example of, like, persevering through something that was, like, causing me a lot of discomfort in a lot of ways, layers of discomfort.

Right? The first one was like, okay. I'm just gonna throw away my problem. Actually, not gonna, like, face this. I was like, no.

I'm gonna try to face this. And then it was like, okay. I'm trying and I'm not succeeding. So now I have a choice. I can either throw it away or I can ask for help.

Hugely uncomfortable for me. I hate asking for help.

So I have a few things to say, but first thing would be, I think we've all been there where I'm feeling stressed or I have I have a I'm having a sensation about a thing, and it can impact my ability to solve that thing. So I think the solution I found, was not unavailable to you. It might have been unavailable in that moment because of all the other things sort of going in your mind. Right? The other thing I would like to say and the other value of men's work and why I think men's work is so important or, you know, shamanic yoga, embodiment work for all people is so important and specifically for queer men is because it's also these moments start to hone our ability to choose our tools.

So if I'm a painter and I have an easel, I have to decide what color I want for what it is I'm trying to create. So in the story, the thing you didn't mention, which we're gonna talk about because of it, was that I I asked you to hand me my yoga bag. Do you remember that? Mhmm. And then what did I do?

You pulled out a a real yoga strap for me.

I provided you with an actual yoga strap.

Yeah.

Right? And so so I was happy to to offer it because I knew it was there and, you know, it was gonna help. But also, the more we start to work with our edges and the more we start to practice with our tools, going all the way back now to these, like, new occurring world views like thinking of them as a tool and you start to practice it with it and then you're like, well, is this the right tool? Or do I need to switch it to make it the right tool? So we can be compassionate as we go through that process because how will I know what tool I need until I try?

So going back to the lock, I used tweezers. They weren't the wrong tool, but they weren't the right tool. And then Gordon came over with a very particular kind of tweezer, much thinner and more narrow, and that was the solution. So now moving forward, if I ever see that problem again, I'll be like, oh, the tweezers that I use for my eyebrows Mhmm. Are not gonna work.

Almost certainly. Unless it's a giant lock, you know. I'm not beating myself up Yeah. Yeah. That I didn't know that or that I didn't have those tweezers, but I can celebrate that I know it now.

Mhmm. I should probably get a pair of them. I don't yeah. I I have a lot to learn, you guys, about, like, do it yourself stuff. But right.

It's it's it's ongoing journey. So the more I'm aware of what makes me uncomfortable, the more I'm aware of my own capacity, and the more that I'm willing to practice with tools, especially in the beginning when they're uncomfortable, the more I will understand what works for me, where my limits are, and how to make choices around that so that I am crumbling less and choosing more. That's really where we want to be. I want to start to make powerful choices, and I want everyone, listening and practicing with us to be able to do that too. It isn't a light switch.

You don't go to bed and say tomorrow I'm gonna make powerful choices. No. You need context. What does a powerful choice mean to you? And just think about that in the context of your own life.

A powerful choice in service to your physical health and a powerful choice in service to your mental health, and a powerful choice in service to the health of all of your individual relationships, and a powerful choice with regards to your career and work, they can all be so different and your relationship with them, we have to have room to practice and part of practicing is failure. The ability to try something, so not really failure, but the ability to try something and allow it to maybe not be the thing you ultimately decide. So I'm gonna try this tool. Is it the tool that I need right now? Well I won't know until I try it, but if in three days or five days you realize it's not the tool, you haven't failed.

You just get to choose a new tool, and like I'm gonna invite you if you're open to it. You and I have talked recently about you changing your morning practice, not because your morning practice was wrong

Correct.

But because through having worked with it, you realized in this moment you might need something else. And and I don't want then I'll let you talk. It may be the case that shortly thereafter you could go back to it. It isn't like an all or nothing, like, I'm done forever, necessarily. It can be this sort of evolving process.

Would you share a little bit?

Yeah. So listeners, what Tim is referencing is that, like, you know, I've I have had a morning routine and ritual for several months now. And recently, I've been feeling you know, wanting to, like, pull the the exit lever. Right? So I I let in a little bit about, you know, kind of those feelings that have been surf surfacing.

And part of that the other day was, like, wanting to throw everything out the window because I was recognizing that something is not working in my life. And so what I did was I said, okay. Like, I'm gonna drop one of my practices. So I dropped one of my practices one day. It was morning pages because I was developing a resentment to them because I couldn't bring devotion to them anymore.

I was doing them out of obligation. I was doing them out of obligation to myself, and I was not feeling good about that. And so I was like, okay. Like, let me just prove to myself that, like, I have autonomy here, that, like, I can choose to do them or not. So I chose not to do them.

I was like, okay. Let me go through my day and, like, see how it goes. And I started to have a little bit of a spiral and it's fine, but I also had some really good moments. And the next morning I was like, you know what? I think I need to drop all of my practices.

Not saying that I'm not gonna do a morning practice, but but I'm not gonna do those specific practices in that specific order. And I gave myself permission to flow within a container that I set myself for an hour. I said, I'm still committed to doing morning practice. I just don't know exactly what they are. I'm not gonna list them out, and I'm not gonna say I'm gonna do this, then this, then this, then this.

I'm just gonna feel into what it was that I wanted to do. And that was so liberating and so juicy, and it has it really, like, reshaped my my like, recommitted to, like, my morning practice just by doing that and giving myself that permission. Because just like, you know, like, I'm not the same person I was yesterday. Not gonna be the same person tomorrow. I can change and shift and adapt.

And I think, like, giving myself that permission through something like this has been a super beneficial realization for me because I do tend to be very rigid, very structured, very way on the, like, the the masculine side of of polarity. And, like, giving myself that permission to be like, you know what? I can rest a little bit in not having a super tight plan. Still giving myself a little bit of structure, but it doesn't have to be so regimented.

Right. Well, we've talked about, there can't it can't be no structure. Yeah. And it can't be, no flow. There's always yin and yang.

There's always yang and yin. And so for people listening, as a reminder, the choice that Eric is discussing right now isn't one where I don't like it, so I stopped. It was I've been doing it, and now I get to engage in a exploration of if it is of service to me in this moment. So it could sound like quitting.

Mhmm. Right? I mean, that's how I interpreted it at first.

Right. I was

like, I'm quitting on this. Yeah.

Right. And so we have to make sure that, quitting and conscious choosing can look the same, but I believe that their origin is wildly different and understanding that origin is part of our spiritual practice because if I choose to try something else, if I if I choose to reword my new occurring worldview from my limiting belief to see if it fits better, I'm not saying my previous one is a failure. In the same way that I would say that no one no one climbing a ladder or a staircase looks down and says, oh, that fucking first step. You're such a the dumb first step. Like, you know, you're like, I don't need no.

You needed step one

You get to step two.

For step two. For step three. We're not you don't get to step 25.

I have my AA program

right now. Fuck you, step one. Oh, am I doing oh, shit. Like, all the steps. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You

literally you literally need step one to get to step two. And, like, as uncomfortable as each of the steps are You go through them and you

Okay. So I I did not realize I was making an AA reference. However, however, I there's a lot of genius in all of that. Yeah. So What

was that?

Right. So when you're on step 10, you're not you're not mad at step one.

I mean

Well, okay. Again I'm I'm not speaking about this from, the experience of someone who But I

think you can be mad at step one. It's not that, like I think, like, we gotta give ourselves permission to be like, you know what? Like, step one sucked.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. But are we are we mad at step one, or are we recognizing that step one was a challenging step to take?

Because I think those are two different things. I'm not mad at the beginner level ballet class that I started when I first started. I'm not like, you're a stupid beginner ballet class, and I'd like, you know, fuck you beginner ballet. No. I'm like, I needed that class to get to the intermediate class, to get to the advanced class, to get to the college, to get onto Broadway and blah blah blah.

Like, so when I look back on it, I'm like, well, was it hard and scary and uncertain and did I did I wanna be better than I was right away? Yeah. All of that. But am I mad at you? No.

It's like yeah. I'm like it's like I'd it's like being mad at, I don't know, an like, a number or a letter or like like, it it doesn't make any sense. You're like, you were just part of this.

Part of the sequence.

Yeah. Yeah. And you're it's okay if it was hard. Mhmm. And I think we can recognize that it was hard, or unpleasant or challenging.

But am I mad at you? I don't know. Now, again, I'm not speaking about this from an AA perspective. So so there might be a teaching that I don't know where you should be mad at step one.

No. No.

I don't even know what step one is. I think

I think it's recognizing honoring that I I can dislike something.

It can be uncomfortable. Right. But, like Guess what? When people go on diets Yeah. And then they're like, look at all the weight I lost.

I look incredible. Well, I I have to imagine there were a few moments where you were hungry or you wanted that fucking cookie.

Yeah. Day one sucked. Day two also sucked because, you know, like

I would actually argue day one's probably not so bad because you're like, I'm gonna change my life. It's like day two and day three where you're like, I want ice cream. Everything. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

That's what I'm trying to say is that, like, I think I could like, for me, I'm just gonna speak to me. Like, I could be mad at something that I didn't like to do. Right? Like, I can be mad at step one. I can still hold on to that.

Like, I can, like, be I could have been mad at ballet class one because I don't wanna do it again. Right? Like and I I think it's a recognition of my emotion. Right? I'm not, like, resentful against it, but I can be I can have a little anger.

I can have a little

Well, I

anger towards it that I like that that was a really shitty experience, and I hated going through it. And, like like, I'm just gonna honor that. Right?

Okay. I I mean, but but I do think we're saying something slightly different because, I my when I think about the first few times I took ballet, which was uncomfortable and scary, especially as a boy, where, like, are people gonna call me names or make fun of me, there did have to be something about it that I loved Mhmm. Or I wouldn't have gone back. So I think we're allowed I think anger is really important. I think it can be a beautiful motivating factor.

I think we wanna be true about our own experience. But I think in pursuit of purpose, it feels rare that I would be angry at any necessary step. Feels like I might be angry

In the moment? Could Could you be angry in the moment? Like, I've been angry Yeah.

I could I could look back so I could look back and say I was angry at in that class. Mhmm. But, like, am I angry that I had to do the beginner ballet before I did the intermediate ballet? No. Am I could I be angry at a teacher who I thought wasn't meeting me in the ways I needed?

Maybe. But, like, am I angry that I had to learn the basics of yoga asana before I started teaching it? No. Were there moments when that was uncomfortable or I wanted to do it faster or be better at it already? Yeah.

So, I think it's important to honor our emotions, and I feel like that's what I'm hearing you say. And I think maybe you and I just have different, like, phrasing around because I'm not I'm not angry about it even if there were moments when I was angry. And there were definitely moments when I was angry because we were like, turn your leg out. I'm like, I don't even know what you mean. Yeah.

So there are moments where it'd be like, that's frustrating to me because, oh, you know, just quick little, but my mother tried to teach me how to drive a manual transmission. And I love my mom. So everyone watching, I love my mom. Mom, I love you. I know you're definitely not watching this episode or even know that I have a podcast, but I love you.

But I would not recommend my mom being the person to teach you how to drive, a manual transmission. And so she would just say, like, well, you just have to feel it. And I was like, I was like, I can't imagine a less helpful cue. And like, I don't I don't know what you could say that would that would help me less since what you're asking me to feel is a thing I've never felt. Yeah.

Yeah. So you just have to feel that moment and then I wouldn't do it and and then she instead of saying it in another way, potentially offering me another, like, way of conceptualizing this phenomenon I'm supposed to understand. She would just say, you just have to feel it. Mhmm. And then she'd be like, don't get frustrated.

Okay. So for people who are listening or watching, I cannot drive a stick. I do not know how to drive a manual transmission in large part because that process was so frustrating that I was like, I'm not gonna do it. And thank God I moved to New York City to become a professional dancer because then I didn't I've I haven't owned a car, because I had the subway for twenty five years. So it hasn't it hasn't negatively impacted me, but I have thought about if I go on the amazing race, I would have to learn because we've seen so many episodes where people lose because they don't know how to drive a a manual transmission.

Okay.

So I'm about to I'm about to do a a public, offer. K? My Jeep, miss Cynthia Mhmm. Who's sitting outside is a manual transmission. And so I'm gonna offer to Tim Bish over here as he is so good at offering all of us opportunities to meet our edges and to sit in some discomfort.

I'm gonna offer him an opportunity to to meet that that challenge.

Well, what is the greater good?

And I

Like like, in in So

that when you're on the amazing race, you know how to drive a stick shift.

Okay. Listen. If I get booked on the amazing race Yeah. Then I want I want those lessons. No.

I should. I should. I should.

Can you reframe your should?

No. I do I want to? I don't know. I

will you choose to?

I would like the ability to jump into a car. I imagine the scenario in which I'm, like, saving the day. Mhmm. I mean, like, my real world, like, superhero moment. Oh.

And I jump in the car, and I can drive it. So, yes, I choose to learn, but I we need to negotiate on the time frame.

Of course.

I don't think I wanna I don't think I wanna try this week. I don't think I wanna try right away. I wanna feel You wanna

go into that?

I wanna feel more grounded in other aspects of my life before I start doing that because my recollection is a frustrating one with my mom. So please don't say things like, just feel it and don't get frustrated. Could you wait. Okay. So everyone's can you just guarantee that you won't say that?

I will not say don't get frustrated. I will never invalidate your feelings. Like like, I I will try hard not to do that. I was like, I

So what would we say? Like, I recognize you're feeling frustrated right now?

Yes. And and that it is it is a frustrating learning experience. I will, however, have to say you're gonna have to feel when the clutch

Yeah. There's a there's a yeah.

That I will I

Can you can I invite you to find three or four different ways to verbalize that?

I will give you as many cues as I can about what you might feel in your left foot as you're engaging and disengaging the clutch. I will do my best, but it is a feeling that you do have to recognize. And we'll do that in a very safe, controlled place where, like, you can see I mean, like, I was driving where were we driving? Oh, to the photo shoot on on Monday night.

Mhmm.

Right? And I and I I stalled the Jeep in the parking lot.

I remember.

Right? Like, it was so embarrassing.

I've been giggling. I've been giggling ever since. Yeah.

Like, I've been driving sticks since I was 15 years old, and I still stall. But, like like, we can do that so that you can stall the Jeep in a way that, like, you recognize where that moment is. I appreciate that. Yeah.

Well, so I'm willing to embrace some discomfort Yay. In service to growth

Mhmm.

And I feel like that's what we've been talking about today. And I just wanna recap that a lot of the work we do in men's work is specifically that. And when I think about men's work or when I think about yoga, I think about them as a life workshop. A it's life practice. Right?

So we put ourselves in stressful or challenging situations so that we can practice how it is we are, who we are in those moments. And so in the yoga mat, if you get to a really challenging place and you start to negative self talk or want to give up or want to run away or want to get angry, you we the yogi recognizes those patterns, asks themselves if it is serving them, and then tries to choose something that is of service if those things are not. And so that is what we're doing here. And so it isn't that all spiritual or personal growth work or men's work has to always be about discomfort, But the truth is we live more fully when we can navigate the inevitable discomforts that will come through life. Because if all our life was was a series of lovely, you know, happy circumstances, then we wouldn't need any of this.

And the the thing is that that it isn't that way. So our ability to navigate, manage, communicate with, and, you know, recognize challenging moments is our power. And then when we have that awareness, you know, extending it to other people is the power of compassion and empathy. So this is why we do

it. I just wanna thank you for helping me experience so many moments of discomfort over the last year. Like, truly, like, a heartfelt

thank you. Me for helping you feel uncomfortable? Yes.

Yeah. Okay. A heartfelt thank you because without them without them, like, I would have given up a lot more. I would have thrown in the towel way more. I would have reacted way more.

I am now bringing in conscious choice into my life on a more regular routine basis because of the discomfort that you've offered me.

So Well and I just wanna throw that back and say, it is my intention in this life to help people do what you just described, but I must offer so much gratitude to all of the teachers in my life who've done the same thing for me. And the only reason why I'm able to offer it at all to anyone is because it was modeled to me by powerful teachers of all kinds. And so I couldn't even list them all right now, but I've, like, a a deep appreciation and gratitude to every teacher in my life that has helped me understand how to persevere in pursuit of my purpose and my deepest, most authentic expression in in life.

With that, I'm feeling very complete. How about yourself?

I also feel complete.

Will you take us out?

I will do. Let's close our eyes and take a deep inhale. Gentle exhale through the mouth. And it is with deep appreciation and gratitude for this conversation, this circle, this community that we were able to engage and hopefully find insight, knowledge, awareness, perspective. And as we leave this circle, I wish everyone love, community, safety, and with these words, our container is open, but not broken.

Uh-huh.